unenlightened

Dear Japan,

2011-12-11T19:57:00.001-10:00

Dear Japan,

You and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the food, I love the sights, and there is something about you that keeps bringing me back despite all the various hates I have for you. But let me tell you, that hate list is long and it's a wonder, sometimes, that I want to continue to be here when the list of things I like is so short compared to the list of things that frustrate me, anger me, sadden me...

I am currently trying to leave you because of various things that are going on in the life I left behind in my home country. You really haven't done much to encourage me to stay. I am constantly reminded of how, really, I am not welcome here. And honestly, I often find that I ask myself, "Why do I stay? Am I nuts? Do I enjoy the heartache and punishment?" But I also realize that there must be some kind of magic here that makes me love you so much. There must be something to being here, sharing this experience with the people that I love, that somehow speaks to my mind or my soul or... my insanity. I'm leaning toward the last one.

But I am leaving on December 25 -- and I have no plans, at least for now, to return any time soon. And gawddamn, Japan, are you making things difficult! You don't want me to be here, but you won't let me leave.

Let me go through the things that I must do in order to leave you.

Buy a ticket
Break my work contract
Break my lease
Cancel my cellphones
Cancel my Internet
Cancel my water
Cancel my gas
Cancel my electricity
Find a home for Turtellini
Find a home for Bento
Get rid of my furniture, bikes, clothes, whatever.
Repair the damage to the apartment
Send my packages home
Pack my suitcases
Clean the apartment
Uh... And the list is longer, but I don't even know what else there is because my mind is so screwy.

I am grateful for what support I have received so far from various people for helping me out (Pam, Amy, Rafe, Jacob, Koohei and then some!), but I am very much breaking from the pressure of finishing everything with such a short timeline. I have less than 2 weeks to get my stuff together and get out of here. Granted, someone pointed out to me that even if I just up and left everything, while I would probably be fined like crazy, at least I'd be home with friends and family and loved ones (who don't fall under friends and family).

For all the people who say that you have fantastic customer service, I would like to argue that they are either Japanese nationals who don't know any better or only visitors to this country. I don't care how honorific your language is, if you are uncompromising, cold, and unwilling to help or even try to find another way to accomplish things, that is not "good customer service". For everyone who claims that you are efficient, I would say they have never tried to cancel or change any contract or service.

Case in point: Just for me to cancel my Internet and make the final payment, I have called 5 telephone numbers, 2 companies, spent... I don't know how long on the phone, at this point, and still have accomplished next to nothing. All I have managed is to run up my cell phone bill and getting you to say that you will turn the Internet off on December 16, because for some reason, you cannot do it now. You don't know how to charge me since I am leaving the country. You, being you, half the time can't accept foreign credit cards, despite them being internationally recognized providers like Visa and Master Card. You can't send the bill to me in advance. You can't send the bill to me abroad. You can't even tell me how much I owe you, since it's not the right time for you to know that.

I am going crazy trying to do the right thing. I want don't want to perpetuate the stereotype of the foreigners who skip town without taking responsibility and tying up the loose ends. But you know, Japan, you are pushing me to the point where perhaps I understand why these "bad foreigners" did so. Perhaps they all tried, like me, in good faith, to do what was right... to pay their bills and cancel things properly and pay their taxes and clean their places and throw away the trash per the Gomi-Matrix... and were met with so much bull**** and resistance and lack of help that they broke, they said f*** it and they went away.

Japan, I want to have a positive memory of you. Please stop now, so we can salvage our relationship. It's been 9 years since I came here the very first time, and years before that where I was enamored with your thought, but the scales are tipping from love/hate to just hate... and I would hate for us to have to give up all we've had.

Please, for us.

/chi.

Awakening

2011-11-26T19:15:00.001-10:00

There was a time that I used to love to write. Whether it be poetry or prose, of import or of nonsense, writing was my way to express every emotion I experienced. In recent years, I find that I write for my own eyes -- afraid to share my thoughts for fear of hurting others or myself. I over-edit my writing, assuming that I can even bring the words through me onto paper or digital representation.

Pain, anger, sadness... these are now the things that fuel a lot of what I write. But I don't want this to be how it always is. I would like to be able to harness the other emotions, as I once did before, to share with you who care to read my writing.

This morning, I had a long talk with my mother, through crappy "borrowed" Internet. The talk made me reflect on all the lives lost on March 11, here in Japan, when we were shaken to our very core by a huge earthquake unlike the modern world has ever seen. The earthquake heralded in a tsunami that stole the lives and livelihood from so many people -- and I, in Saitama, so far removed from the pain and fear and suffering of everyone there, could only watch on my 1-seg television on my cell phone, as everything up north was washed away.

I have thought about the lost lives off and on, of course, since March -- it has been 8, almost 9 months now, and today is the first time I felt like writing about the lost lives. I wrote a few months ago about my own experience of the earthquake, but that didn't at all address the true losses to this world.

I don't know what made me write what I did below, but this is for those who were directly affected by the tsunami on March 11. #PrayforJapan

Awakening

I wake up this morning, and roll over, wanting to enjoy the warmth from my blankets and from the body of the man I love, lying beside me. I pull close to my beloved and see the stillness of his breath. He is resting so peacefully, it seems as if he will be asleep forever. And so, as not to disturb him, I sit up quietly and let my eyes adjust to the day's brilliance. I gaze up at the sky and wonder why I can see it so clearly. Surely, there has never been such a sky as this, like water color come to life -- delicate and bright and beautiful. I look around me, out at the watery silence, at the skeletons of buildings and the chaos the previous day had brought.

I find myself thinking about my life before I woke up today and I realize that perhaps this is a very poignant thought. "Am I dead?", I wonder, as I turn again toward the body of my one and only and immediately, I know the answer to my question. This morning, I did not wake up from the comfort of my dreams. Instead, I was never asleep -- I had experienced the living nightmare of Mother Nature sweeping away everything I knew. This morning, wrapped in sheets of water and debris, only my mind is awake as not only my beloved's body, but also my own, continue to rest under the ceiling of water, sunlight deflecting and rippling and sending out rays to cut through the darkness.

As much as I try to roll over and go back to sleep, hoping that this is naught but a nightmare from which I can awaken, I know that when I open my eyes again, nothing will have changed. I know the truth. I am dead. And I will continue to sleep here, next to my love, forever.

/chi.

Thanks.

2011-11-25T17:40:00.003-10:00

This year, I spent Thanksgiving with an international group of friends. 11 people, hailing from Japan, Sweden, England and the US came together for an expensive little turkey, delicious stuffing, and great company to celebrate the American tradition. It was lucky that Japan had a national holiday in the middle of the week that we could use to celebrate -- it wasn't Thanksgiving, but we were all thankful for the reprieve from school and work and to be eating some delicious food with good people.

While dessert was being passed around, we went around the room and said what we were thankful for. As I was in the middle of frying the apple won ton desserts, I didn't put much thought into what I said (frying and addressing a room of people at the same time is hard, you know!) and I thought I would put into writing the things for which I want to give thanks.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor do I list names or details -- but it's a start.

I am grateful for the life that I have, despite all the downs, it has an amazing amount of ups that makes being on this world amazing.

I am thankful for my family -- not just the ones that are related to me by blood, but also the friends that I choose to keep closest to me. They put up with my mood swings and irrationality and while not always agreeing with my decisions, are there to wipe away tears, pick up my broken pieces and try to haphazardly super glue me back together. They are there to rejoice in my successes and share in the laughs and often, laugh at me instead of with me... but I guess that is what makes them endearing.

Even beyond my core group of besties who live all over the world, I am lucky to have friends and acquaintances, both online and IRL, who might not be there for everything, but still find a way to keep me moving forward. Without all of you, I am certain that I would be a much lonelier, much more misguided person.

And I think more than anything, I am blessed for having so much love in my life. There are so many kinds of love, but regardless, I would say that many people spend their whole life wanting to be loved and to be able to love. And right now, at this moment, I can say with certainty that I am loved and that I do love.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

/chi.

Nice to See You Again.

2011-11-19T19:41:00.001-10:00

There are times when I pride myself on my ability to speak, to express, to capture a moment or an emotion or life in words.

And other times, I wish I could cut out my tongue to punish myself for my word choices that cause eruptions of flames and torrential rains and leaves me in a post-apocalyptic, self-admonishing hell.

In recent years, I find that I have become much more self-censored. What I would have said with little sugar or tact in the past, I coat in gallons of honey or simply don't say it at all. I have grown a type of filter that seems only to work when I least need it and when I need it most, manages to malfunction.

If only this filter had come with a control panel that would allow me to choose which situations or with whom it should shut me up. If only I had the self-control to hold my tongue before explaining or expressing something that I know will only result in devastation.

But instead, I find myself standing at a precipice, looking at the fall, and deciding it's worth jumping -- if it means that there is a chance someone can understand why I jumped.

So I jump, and I fall, and by the time I see the gathering clouds of smoke in the distance, giving evidence of the eruptions to come, it is too late.

Post-apocalyptic, self-admonishing hell, nice to see you again.

/chi.

Home: What is it?

2011-07-05T12:00:00.000-10:00

What does it mean to be "home"?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately for a variety of reasons and haven't found an answer, yet. I thought I could put my stream-of-consciousness out there and get some opinions on the matter from all of you.

I have lived the majority of my life in Hawaii, in various places with various people. The other not-majority of my life, I have spent in Massachusetts and Japan. In each of these places, I have experienced wonders and met adversity and had my life touched by both beautiful and ugly people. All of these places carry fond memories for me, but also can evoke within me the deepest, most painful emotions one can feel. Each time I head to any of these places (although it's been years since I was in Massachusetts), I get giddy and excited to be back. Yet, I also find that the longer that I stay in these places, the more restless I become. I find reasons to leave and then wonder if leaving was, indeed, the right choice.

If any of these places were my "home", would I keep wanting to walk away from them? Is it not that I am displeased with the place itself, but rather, that I am unsatisfied with myself or my life in that place? Or is it that I simply haven't found, yet, where I need to be? That I need to travel more and seek out where it is that I can finally settle, drop anchor, make myself truly at home? Are there people out there who never find this personal utopia?

And in another train of thought, is "home" not a physical place at all? Is it a state-of-mind or sense of contentment? Or is it simply an understanding of or proximity to "things of importance"? Love, good friends, family, food, faith (for some)...

It seems that sitting alone with my thoughts hasn't led in any real direction, unless "around in a circle" is considered a direction.

I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on what "home" means or doesn't mean to you. Please, tell me.

Home: What is it?

/me.

Used and Abused - JLPT

2011-06-26T22:05:00.000-10:00

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I will be taking the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) soon to prove my worth to Japanese companies. I have been studying pretty hard (for me) and was excited when I received in the mail an invitation to participate in the official JLPT Practice Test. Not only would I have the opportunity to:

1. Practice timing and test technique in a real-life situation
2. Get a good gauge for the difficulty or easiness of the test questions

I would also receive a whopping 2,000 yen for my trouble! -- if I would also be so kind as to take a survey or write an essay at the end of the practice test. It seemed too good to be true...

The Practice Test was held on Sunday, June 19 and after completing the experience, I realized it had made me feel used, abused... and worthless. How the hell, you ask? Let me explain.

The invitation to the Practice Test explained that I would helping Japan Educational Exchanges and Services refine the test and adjust it as necessary before the big day. Thinking that it could be no more painful than the test I had originally taken in December, I felt it could only benefit me to participate. How hard could it be to take a practice test and fill out a survey?

Unfortunately, I underestimated how difficult and brutal the experience would be. The practice exam was held at a university that is currently observing the nation-wide practice of 節電 or energy-saving, in an attempt to prevent national black and brown outs due to the crippled nuclear power plant in Fukushima. While I fully support and admire the Japanese energy conservation efforts, it is my very strong opinion, that if energy-saving means that the air-conditioning must be turned off with the windows closed while hundreds of foreigners struggle with a 4-hour exam, 節電 can kiss my sweaty butt.

The conditions were torturous, at best.

And to make matters worse, the practice test was at least doubley as difficult as the actual exam I took in December. The first two hours of the exam, I was confident I had the correct answers for an overwhelming 5 questions. The second half, where I had originally been confident in 70% of my answers, I thought there was a chance I may have had 20% of the answers correct this time around.

And then, after I felt as though the JEES had had its way with me, mentally... the sheer impossibility of that test (to me) made me feel as though all the studying I had done had been in vain and that I, in fact, had been delusional this whole time about having any kind of Japanese language skills... they had me fill out a survey about my Japanese communication level.

They made me feel like nothing and then asked me if I liked it and if I thought I was any good. Then they gave me 2,000 yen for my humiliation and walked away laughing, knowing that in a few weeks, after they had adjusted the actual exam based on our collective results, that they would be laughing again when I come crawling back for another dose of torture.

I had willingly given myself to the JEES for the promise of a "good practice experience" and some change in my pocket. However, after I thought more carefully about how my talents, if I had any to begin with, were going to be used -- to adjust the exam and possibly make it more difficult -- I couldn't believe I had chosen to participate.

Having had a week to reflect on the experience, I realized that in the after-math, any confidence I had gained in my studies has now been diminished to non-existence. I feel beaten and bruised and find myself fearing July 3rd more and more. Every time my study partner mentions the number of days left until the exam, I find myself flinching like an abuse victim who fears another slap across the face.

I had been telling myself this whole time that this time, I got this. I will pass the JLPT and prove to myself (and the world?) that I have the skills needed to be considered capable of "Business Japanese." But after that beating... all I can think is, what am I doing?! Why am I going back? Do I really want to endure another experience like that and then, a few months from now, have it punctuated by another letter in the mail saying I did not pass?

Not really.

But I'm going to... in 6 days and counting. Shit.

/me.

Random Truths of the Moment

2011-06-15T19:29:00.000-10:00

Back in the heyday of MySpace, people were constantly filling out About Me surveys. Most of the time, you didn't care what the person actually answered (or even what you answered, yourself), but it was a great time-killer and aided procrastinators the world over.

I feel like I don't see these things that often anymore, but I found one that I liked on a friend's tumblr and thought I'd steal it and post it.

This one is called Random Truths of the Moment. And it's just that. Whatever is true right now. And even better, all I had to do was bold what was true. No needing to think of clever or unexpected answers. Just bold.

Random Truths of the Moment.

Bold What’s True:

It’s night right now.

There’s something else you should be doing at the moment.

You ate chicken today.

You are lactose intolerant.

There’s a nearby TV on.

You get along with your neighbors.

Twilight is a horrible series.

You’re hungry right now.

You have worked out today.

Running a mile sounds awful. (I’d love to be able to run a mile right now..)You have a job.

You love to bake Christmas cookies.

Your parents are still together.

You woke up before 11 this morning.

Baths are better than showers.

You are 5’5” or shorter.

You hate British accents.

Victoria’s Secret is a good store.

Cats are better than dogs.

The 90’s sucked.

Your favorite color is either blue or purple.

Your hair is short.

You are by yourself right now.

The last thing you drank was water.

You’re in your PJ’s right now.

Your hair color is natural. (some of it is)

Fred from Youtube is annoying.

You don’t drink soda. (I rarely drink soda)

There’s at least 20$ in your wallet.

It’s cold out.

Orange juice is better than apple juice.

You love someone right now.

Video games are awesome.

Your sheets are white.

You have read works by Shakespeare before.

You’ve been professionally diagnosed with a psychological disorder.

You know someone in the hospital right now.

You know someone who has beaten cancer.

Sneakers are your favorite shoes to wear.

Chocolate is better than vanilla.

You’re allergic to peanuts.

You’ve never been to New York City.

You’ve never been on a varsity sports team.

You want to go to Europe. (back to Europe)You’re using a laptop right now.

Plastic surgery is a good idea. (in some cases)

Vanilla is the best scent a girl can wear.

You’ve made yourself throw up.

Your friends do drugs.

School is too early.

Your nails have nail polish on them right now.

You’re Italian.

You have a tan right now.

You’ve been on a diet before.

You shop in plus sized clothing stores. (I do sometimes in Japan)

Hot Topic is scary.

There are socks on your feet right now.

I’ve used a hair straightener.

Shopping online is easier than shopping in an actual store.

You’re in Verizon’s network.

Cheesecake is delicious.

Your BMI falls into the overweight category.

You have gotten your hair cut in the past month.

Your birthday is within the next 2 months.

Comedies are better than action films.

Math is the best subject.

You are fluent in more than one language.

You love Greek food.

You consider yourself a picky eater.

You have more than 3 pillows on your bed.

You live with at least one parent.

You’re happy right now. (but not satisfied)You are a high school graduate.

You have a pet cat.

You were born before April 5th, 1991.

You have brown hair. (maybe? or black? not sure.)

You have blue eyes.

You are in a relationship.

You can count to 20 in another language.

You have studied a foreign language.

You voted in the 2008 presidential election.

You own a vehicle that is older than a 2004.

You have worked 3rd shift.

You have worked in a fast food restaurant. (Does TCBY count as fast food?)

You drove somewhere that was further than a half hour away today.

You live in New Jersey.

You live in Montana

You live in Pennsylvania.

Your last name begins with an ‘M’.

Your middle name begins with a ‘C’.

Your first name begins with an ‘S’.

You are older than 19.

You are an only child.

Your parents are divorced.

You have more than one sibling.

You are a vegetarian.

You have a gym membership.

You are in the military.

You have a relative in the military.

You have been to Canada.

You have been to Mexico.

You have been to Europe.

You are currently enrolled in college/university. (Just on Saturdays for their Continuing Education Program)

You have done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.

You have/had braces.

You wear contact lenses.

You have a tattoo on your ankle.

You have a tattoo on your wrist.

You have a tattoo on your lower back.

You have a tattoo on your upper arm.

You have a lip piercing.

You have a tongue piercing.

You have your cartilage pierced.

You have curly hair. You have received flowers from someone in the last 2 months.

You are engaged.

You are married.

You have children.

You are an aunt or uncle. (to dogs)

Your bedroom walls are blue.

Your bedspread is red.

Your bedroom carpet is beige.

You have been drunk in the past 24 hours.

You watch Scrubs.

You watch Jon & Kate Plus 8.

You watch American Idol.

You have been to the movies within the last month.

You have cursed in front of your grandparents.

You had a lunch box with a cartoon character on it when you were little.

You actually pay attention to politics.

You have kissed someone within the last week.

You were told you looked cute today.

You were hugged today.

Your best friend is the opposite sex. (some of them?)You have paid more than $100 on one item of clothing.

You had a date to prom.

You are a good speller.

You are always on time.

You have done something illegal within the last 24 hours.

You have ridden an elevator within the last 3 days.

You have spent the night at someone else’s house within the last 2 weeks.

You have been out of the country within the last year.

You love Chinese food.

You love Italian food.

You love Mexican food.

You love country music.

You love rap.

You love hip hop.

You love punk rock.

You love hard rock.

You love metal.

You love classic rock.

You love bluegrass.

You love oldies.

You love techno.

You love instrumental music.

You knew someone younger than 10 who passed away.

You have taken pictures of yourself just because you were bored.

You have been in a car wreck.

You have had stitches.

You have a parent who is a teacher.

You have a savings account.

You currently have a $2 bill in your possession.

You have dated someone who was 2 years younger than you. (went ON a date)

You have dated someone who was 2 years older than you.

You have broken up with someone for someone else.

You have been cheated on.

You are Mormon.

You are Buddhist.

You are Agnostic.

You wish at 11:11. (sometimes)

You have had your current job for more than 3 months.

You have had your heart broken.

You broke someone else’s heart.

You felt bad about it.

You have an Aunt Karen.

You have an Uncle Bill.

You have a cousin Sarah.

You have a cousin Adam.

You have worked with a Danielle.

You have ridden in a car with a Stephen.

You have hugged a Tiffany.

You have kissed a Blake. (on the cheek, maybe)

You have had class with a David.

You have had a crush on an Emily.

You have dated a Derek.

You have been neighbors with a Hannah.

You have done something just for the fact that you were old enough to.

You have been to a cemetery at midnight.

You have been a vampire for Halloween.

You have been a witch for Halloween.

You have been a pumpkin for Halloween.

You have stayed up for 48 hours straight.

You have been to Walmart in the past 3 days.

You own a pair of scrubs.

You own a cowboy hat.

You own a leather coat.

You are missing someone right now.

You have been let down recently.

You have had someone you thought you could trust betray you.

You would rather have a one-night stand than a relationship.

You would rather win $500 from the lottery, than be a guest on a game show.

You have met someone famous.

Nothing deep, but it was fun.

This has been random truths of the moment.

/me.

Japanese Language Proficiency Test

2011-06-09T16:30:00.000-10:00

In America, most of us speak English -- albeit, some of us speak bad English -- but for the most part, we are considered "native speakers." Immigrants and foreign nationals who live in America, however, do not always speak our language and unless we are having some kind of communication issue with these non-English speaking individuals, I think many of us don't care that they can't speak the language.

I think this includes employers, as well. They don't care if an employee can speak English if the job doesn't really require English-based interaction with clients or customers. And in some cases, even when the job does require one to speak the language, it is often amazing how often you go through some fast food drive through and realize that you can't understand your order-taker and they have no idea what you're ordering! It's even more amusing when you, yourself, don't speak English all that well and are trying to place your order. (Case in point: Us kids used to make my mother, originally from Thailand, order our McFlurrys at McDonald's. Our mother can't say McFlurry at all. And in Ewa Beach, the Filipino employees never understood us, even when those of in the car who CAN say McFlurry tried to order. Funniest stuff in the world.)

In work places that have higher standards when hiring -- it's usually okay if you're not a native English speaker, as long as you can speak well enough and understand most of what's written. Many employers do not require documentation proving that you speak English -- they simply interview you and know that you do, based on the way you handle your interview. If you can communicate and are qualified for the job, "Congratulations, you're hired!"

Unfortunately, this is not how it works in Japan. For Japanese citizens to be hired for a job that requires the English language, they have to take a test called TOEIC and your score tells employers whether or not you have the English skills needed for the job.

And if you're a foreigner trying to find decent work in Japan, forget going into your interview and trying to razzle-dazzle your potential employer with your best keigo (honorific language) and pimp kanji skills. You can sound like a Japanese national and maybe even read better than one, but that's not enough to qualify you for the job of your dreams. No, no. You need to have pass the JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test).

This spiffy test comes in five great levels (as of 2010) and if you want to be considered awesome, Levels 1 and 2 certifications are what you need to get your hands on. Twice a year (in Japan) and once a year (elsewhere), you get your chance to prove to the world -- or at least to Japanese companies -- that you have a handle on their language. And with these certifications, the seas part, and the world of decent paying positions become available to you and employers actually will take the time to listen to your plea of "Please hire me."

However, this is a Japanese-made test, which means that while this tests for reading and listening comprehension, the makers of this exam could give a flying monkey butt about whether or not you can speak the language. Here enter the Chinese nationals who can use their awesome reading abilities to pass the test, but can't say hello in Japanese. And here enter people like me who can talk and talk and talk and talk, but who suffers when it comes to kanji.

I had been to quite a number of job interviews and had gotten tired of hearing the same things over and over: You have the experience we are looking for. Your Japanese is very good. You don't have JLPT certification. Sorry, please contact again if you get this.

I studied my booty off and took the stupid JLPT in December 2010. And I.... FAILED by 2 points which is 1 question! Your actual percentage of correct answers does not determine whether or not you passed. If it did, I would have passed. Instead, they weight the questions -- awarding the most points to questions that most test-takers missed. And this, my friends, was my downfall.

So, my next chance at greatness is on July 3, 2011. I have enrolled in a weekly 2-hour prep course at Temple University Japan and am trying to study daily. Trying, of course, is the operative word. I really hope that I do well this time and ideally, pass. What this will mean for me? I don't yet know. But certainly, it'll give me some kind of personal validation -- and maybe some professional validation, too. That is, after all, why I began studying in the first place.

Count down to JLPT: 23 days. Wish me luck.

/me.

The Mask

2011-05-29T18:05:00.000-10:00

I'm sick. I feel like some of my closer friends reading this are saying, "Yeah, yeah, tell us something we don't know," but really, I think I have a cold.

I'm sneezing, sniffling, shivering, coughing, aching, but @fobkoa told me last night that I'm not feverish, so I'm leaning more toward cold, than flu.

Yesterday, I woke up knowing I was sick, took some American Dayquil, then figured that sleeping 16+ hours would be enough to have me wake up bright and chipper this morning. Alas, I was mistaken.

I spent a miserable hour commuting to work. Pants wet from the rain, sweating from the overheated train, trying my best not to go into a coughing or sneezing fit, for fear of not having fast enough access to the huge wad of tissue I stole from home and shoved into my bag. As the day has dragged on, I realized that man, I don't sound so good. My voice sounds strained, my breathing is rumbly, and I'm popping Honey Lemon Vitamin C Throat Lozenges like Dr. House pops Vicodin for his leg pains.

I debated about coming in today. Another 16 hours of rest and some overdosing of Vitamin C wouldn't hurt in helping me recover, but having just started a week ago, made me hesitate. That and Japan's obvious lack of sick-days. Perhaps it is because I have only ever been a contracted worker in Japan, but it seems as though Japan does not have sick-days. (For those that don't know, sick days are a set number of days per year that you can use to call in to work absent because you are sick, but still receive full pay for.) As a contracted worker, it seems there are two option: call in sick and not get paid or come in sick and get paid.

Japanese Face Mask

If you, like me, choose to come in sick, then it is Japanese custom to wear the obligatory face mask.

They are made of paper, with two lengths of elastic banding to be hooked behind your ears, and a thin metal wire along the upper length of the mask so that it can be molded around the bridge of your nose. The more expensive models have some other bells and whistles, like cushioned nose pads and easy-breathe medicated strips.

It is believed that wearing these masks helps to prevent the spread of whatever disease you're carrying. You see, unlike us selfish American types, who don't mind getting others sick if we can get well sooner, in Japan, they keep their sick germies to themselves so as not to infect the masses.

Upon coming to work and telling them that I was under the weather, I was directed to get one of these snazzy masks immediately, as well as pick up some medicine from the health room. Apparently, it's also believed that Japanese colds are best combatted with Japanese meds, and since I was already there, I got some meds along with my mask.

I don't know if these crazy masks really work. I know it makes it harder to breathe, makes my glasses fog up, and it gets really sweaty in there. Labored breathing and sweaty face are not exactly ideal working conditions, but if this is what I have to do to get paid for today, well... I'm trying my best to assimilate.

Maybe if I just tell myself that I'm pretending to be a ninja or cosplaying as a Japanese person, it'll be easier for me to "be in character."

/me.

No Mini-Skirts = No Suits

2011-05-20T03:30:00.000-10:00

Today I started my new job.

I'm working on a contract basis via a placement agency for DeNA, Inc. They are the parent company for Mobage, Japan's currently most popular social network and mobile gaming company. Unfortunately, I'm not involved in game development or anything of the sort. Instead, although I'm currently title-less, I'm helping to develop the in-house English education program for their employees.

As DeNA, Inc. expands and works toward reaching the global, rather than the local market, they're finding that English is becoming more and more a necessity. This is where I come in -- to tailor the program to meet the individual needs of the bajillion employees who need to speak English. Yes, bajillion. That is a real number.

While Japanese companies are typically all navy-black suits, neckties, and 45-degree angled bowing, this company seems to want to move beyond that. Ok, maybe there are still opportunities where 45-degree angled bowing is appropriate -- I know I did a number of those bows today. They try to foster a creative, non-inhibiting environment by allowing their employees to dress more casually. They don't have to wear a button-down collared shirt, slacks and shiny shoes. Nice t-shirts and jeans or capri style pants and a not-so-fancy blouse seemed to be the norm. I even saw a few slippers!

You have no idea how exciting I find this to be!

Originally, I was told that I'd be working in a suit every day. I kept thinking, I don't have that many suits! And they'll notice if I wear the same 2 suits over and over! But since I was told today by a co-worker that they think it's weird that I was wearing a suit in the first place, my worries about dress code are over. Well, they did advise against wearing mini-skirts and camisoles to work (ugh, they read my MIND!), but I can compromise. If no mini-skirts means no suits, I'm down.

I will be commuting to work each weekday, for over an hour each way, and I'm still trying to figure out the best route. This means I have to head out early and come home late. But you know what? Who cares... at least I'm EMPLOYED!

/me.

Unemployed

2011-05-09T19:22:00.000-10:00

For the last year, I have worked in various elementary schools as an English teacher. I worked with grades 1 - 6, as well as a mixed-age, mixed-level special needs group. For the most part, I enjoyed my time as a teacher. I found that I often was able to establish a good rapport with the students and homeroom teachers and it was rewarding to especially hear at the end of the year that the students have learned to love and look forward to their English classes.

However, I am no longer an elementary school teacher. At the moment, I am unemployed. Here's why:

When the large earthquake happened on March 11, 2011, it affected the TEPCO Nuclear Power Plant in Fukushima. There was very real danger of a nuclear meltdown occurring. It was not going to be of Chernobyl proportions, but concerns about radioactivity affecting the food and water supply (and worse!) caused quite a stir in Japan, especially amongst the ex-pat community. Several embassies, in an excess of caution, had called for the immediate evacuation of their citizens from Japan. America did not ask for their countrymen to leave, but did offer voluntary evacuation options, going so far as to sponsor flights out to other Asian countries for Americans looking for immediate departure.

It was scary. No one knew exactly how imminent or ominous the dangers were. No one knew whether the damaged plant or the area around it could be saved. There were scares regarding the safety of drinking water for infants in the Tokyo area and bottled water, canned foods, rice and instant noodles disappeared off the shelves or jumped up significantly in price in some areas.

And of course, there was the lack of information and the overabundance of misinformation.

My family was understandably worried about my safety. They wanted me to leave immediately and were trying to find every possible way to get me the hell out of here. Unfortunately, I didn't feel that I could leave for a number of reasons. I was still on contract. My company, at the time, had my passport with them for visa renewal. @fobkoa's passport was lost and we were waiting for a new one. My having my passport reissued or leaving before the visa renewal process was finished would have tagged me as an illegal alien in Japan, resulting in my inability to re-enter the country for 10 years. Kekoa's family members were here, visiting. I have pets. Blah, blah, blah. And really, by most scientific (non-news media) source available, we were going to be okay.

I'm still not really sure if all of my family members understand why I stayed or forgave me for not obeying their wishes, but anyway, I stayed.

During this time, I was in the middle of negotiating my new contract with my old company. I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would be staying in Japan. I mean, I wanted to -- and that's what I had told my family members -- but at the same time, I wasn't sure that I wouldn't succumb to the pressures of my family. I wanted to let them know I was okay and still, as sure as I said I was that I was safe, I wasn't really sure since no one was certain about the developing situation at the power plant.

So, I told my company that I was hesitant in re-contracting for another year. I feared that things would take a turn for the worst and that I would have to break contract. To me, it seemed better NOT to sign than to sign and then break contract. In the end, the deadline passed and the Board of Education for my area said that if I could not commit on that day, they would have to find someone to fill my position immediately, so the position would no longer be available to me. With some regret, I said that I could not commit 100%. With that, I became unemployed in a foreign country where, mind you, I am supporting not just myself, but another person, too!

A week after that, it seemed obvious that I would not be returning to Hawaii any time soon and that I needed to find a new job. That's when the search began. I applied to many places -- most of them, media related.

It's been about a month and a half since I've had a full-time position, although I do currently work part-time. I do have a job offer pending, about which I'll write when I have a signed contract in hand. Until then, it's about trying to make what I have in the bank last as long as possible -- but still enjoy my time here. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do.

As fun as it can be not to work and as stressful as it can be to work, I must say I would rather work and not have to worry about finances, than not work and always stress about whether or not it's okay that I'm going to spend $8 for 10 hours of karaoke when I could just stay home and save.

Ah well. Hopefully, things will work themselves out soon and I'll no longer be UNEMPLOYED. I'll keep you updated.

/me.

A Poem: Impulsive

2011-04-21T14:40:00.000-10:00

I was cleaning through my emails today and found a poem I wrote a few years ago, buried among the SPAM and miscellaneous unread emails. I don't really remember what inspired me to write it, but I remember I did so late at night, while walking around Manoa town to get my head straight and typing it on my Blackberry Storm. Very much after the fact, I am calling this poem, Impulsive.

It was written in December 2009.

Walking down a path, I come to a fork
And never stop to ponder why I turn left instead of right
I handle the trek, rough or smooth,
Obstacles or not, with little foresight
And when I find myself overwhelmed
At impasse or wide ravine
I focus on my journey
What I've done and what I've seen
And realize I've done and seen almost nothing
And comprehended even less
And floored I am to understand that rarely have I tried "my best"
I think about the paths I've crossed and those I've met along the way
And can't understand how they saw my path as destination-bound. My path's astray
I'm wandering forward, no goals, no dreams, no destination planned
Quick, emotional decisions rule me
To my detriment, as I am stranded
Prisoner of my unreasoned turn and lack of plotting my next step
Shit, I'm not moving forward
Just because I change the surroundings doesn't mean there's movement yet
I look around and scream for help and find no answers in this place
Instead I find a mirror, reflecting my pathetic, tear-streaked face

/me.

March11, 2011: Tohoku Earthquake - 24 hours

2011-04-20T16:02:00.002-10:00

Now that I finally got Blogger to properly point to my website, since they discontinued FTP publishing ages ago and I never got around to fixing it, I have decided that I will start blogging again. Granted, every time I say I'm going to blog regularly, that "regularly" ends up being every few months. Short term goal: Once a month. Long term goal: Once a week. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway, as you all know, on March 11, 2011, Japan was hit by a huge earthquake, a magnitude of 9.0 on the Richter Scale. I was sitting in the staff room at Tsuragaoka Elementary School when the earthquake occurred. It was about 2:45 pm, I had finished classes for the day and the students were packing up their things and preparing to leave in their groups to go back home.

Then the world started swinging and swaying and my coffee cup (full of tea) started to dance across my desk. Those of us in the staff room, including the Principal and Vice Principal of the school, stood there -- mentally assessing the situation. Is it just a regular earthquake? No, this one is rocking us hard. Hard enough for me to decide to tweet:

@monchaleemonchalee steiger

EARTHQUAKE!!! 地震！！！ #fb

11 Mar via web Favorite Reply

Hard enough for the Principal to call for an immediate emergency evacuation of all 700+ students and 50+ teachers. And those kids evacuated in record time -- faster than any of the fire drills we'd had before. They ran out with their 防災頭巾 (their emergency evacuation hoods) and nothing else.

防災頭巾（ぼうさいずきん）
Japanese Evacuation Hood

700 children, looking like 700 silver-hooded Martians, streamed out into the open field. No bags, no outdoor shoes -- Japanese students have a different pairs of shoes for indoors and outdoors -- and more importantly and most tragically, no winter coats. The weather that day was frigid, gray and windy. And those poor children sat there, some of them in just their P.E. uniforms, which consist of just a cotton T-shirt and shorts, as the world shook around them. For hours.

After about 30 minutes of being outside in the cold, with seemingly no aftershocks, those in charge decided to have 4th graders and 6th graders (whose classrooms are situated on the ground level) enter the building to retrieve their coats and house keys. However, as they entered the building, a strong aftershock occurred and the students re-evacuated in a panic.

I spent most of the time in our evacuated state, talking with the 2nd graders. I had taught their classes that day -- a mix of vehicles and The Beatles song Hello, Goodbye. I was proud of them. Most of them stayed calm and I enjoyed their take on the situation: ねぇ、先生？これは先のオーノーのことだよね！Or: Hey teacher? This is that "Oh no!" situation you told us about earlier, isn't it? In The Beatles song we'd learned that day, there is a line that says "Oh no!," which when sung with appropriate hand movements and facial expressions, quickly becomes the best part of the song to children. I guess it's nice to know they learned something?

After a few hours and a number of false starts, children were eventually made to return home in large groups or with their parents. Students whose parents would not be home were not allowed to leave -- or were made to leave with neighborhood adults. And still, most of them had no winter coats or jackets.

I stayed to help clean up the office a bit and then headed home, to find an empty apartment, seemingly still intact. I hadn't heard from my boyfriend, @fobkoa, or from my friends in the area. Cell phone lines were busy or shut down, except for emergency calls. Messages by phone could be sent, but not received. Thankfully, electricity and Internet in my area were unaffected. I flipped on the television to watch, in horror, as footage of a tsunami that resulted from the huge earthquake, engulfed towns and distinguished lives. I had no idea that any of this was happening -- I had been on the field with the children up until this point, with no access to news. I logged on to Skype and to gMail/Google Talk and called my Mommy and good friend, @titusofalltime, in Hawaii and waited for contact from @fobkoa. Poor @fobkoa's mother and sister were visiting us, at the time, and I later found out that they were stuck in Akihabara. Trains weren't running, so there was no way home, and they spent the night huddled together for warmth on the floor of some building with a nice bathroom. They arrived safely in our area the next afternoon.

At some point, @mekorin, a friend who lives in the area, and his mother, showed up at my doorstep. They had walked from the city of Kawagoe. The earthquake had interrupted his graduation ceremony -- he was graduating from Honda Technical College -- and on top of that, had forgotten his house key, so could not return home. He and his mother ended up spending the night. His girlfriend, @momochidango, was MIA for hours -- we didn't hear from her until the wee hours of the morning. We found out that she had been trapped in an elevator at Lakeland College and that the elevator had fallen 1.5 floors when the emergency stop didn't work. She walked from the school to Ikebukuro, after receiving medical attention, and made it home on the first train back to our area. She was apparently unscathed and not shaken by the event -- she still rides elevators, so I guess it wasn't that traumatic for her?

Thankfully, those close to me escaped with no real injuries, although I heard from a friend who lives closer to the epicenter, that he got hit in the head with a coffee mug. Obviously, the effects of the earthquake are still being felt and as things got sorted out, new emergencies surfaced: namely the TEPCO Nuclear Power Plant Crisis in Fukushima.

I will continue this blog later... with more about my experiences since March 11, 2011, but this covers the first 24 hours from the moment the earthquake hit.

Just wanted to catalog it.

/me.

I Speak

2010-11-11T18:42:00.002-10:00

I've been meaning to write this poem for a long time, but for some reason, it never came out the right way until yesterday.

I Speak

What do you mean you don't know?
These are your words that I'm speaking
I'm making the effort to build bridges of communication
So that maybe I can get where I'm trying to go
And you can make your beeline to the nearest watering hole

"I don't speak English," you say -- brushing past
Not a glance
At this face that's imploring you to stop for a second
To point me in the right -- or hell -- even the wrong direction

I ain't speaking English
I'm using your words and your voice in patterns that should make perfect sense to you
But your eyes that see perfectly well make you blind to the foreign girl trying to catch your attention
And make you deaf to the words I say in your language that somehow you can't understand

This is Japan
And you're Japanese
And so am I, except for the 82.5% that isn't
82.5% that makes me look different
82.5% that makes the words that roll perfectly off my non-native tongue
Sound like a language you studied for 12 years, but claim you can't speak

But I do speak
Your language and mine
And if you would just open your eyes and your ears
... fuck, OPEN YOUR MIND and give me the time
You would realize that my face and my words and my passport do not make me foreign here

You do.

/chi.

Fifty-four lines

2010-10-27T19:56:00.001-10:00

i do another line.
and another.
slow and steady and straight.
my days are numbered.
done.

that's what this line means.
i'm done.
finished.
and one step closer.

let me take another step,
do another line.

let me be where i can be understood
without speaking in tongues that aren't my own.

i'm frozen. lost.
the kerosene heater, this cup of green tea
do nothing to combat the sun, lost and crying behind the clouds
it's too late for the people around me
hearts closed, cold, and there are no lines for them.
none that will take them to where i'll be defrosting, reheating, baking.

each line i do takes me one step closer
if i keep telling myself that,
i might begin to believe it
the end is in sight
my days are numbered
all i have to do is keep telling myself it'll be okay
just 54 more lines...

... and i'll be in hawaii.
no, really.

i will be.

--------

Haven't updated in forever.

Flash update: I've been living in Japan since March 2010. I originally came here with my beloved @fobkoa, but due to some obstacles along the way, he is currently in Hawaii. With the help of some at home, I was able to get a ticket to go back to Hawaii for the holidays.

I will be there from December 21 - January 6 and plan to refresh myself. The place, the food and most importantly, the people ... I miss you all and while I don't know that I want to move back to Hawaii, being with you again will make this cold (physically and emotionally) and lonely time in Japan a little more worth it than it feels right now.

All I have to do is survive 54 days -- draw 54 lines through the numbered boxes on my calendar.

/chi.

Unreliable

2009-06-20T12:50:00.005-10:00

As is typical, it's been months since I've last blogged. And as is typical, I'm going to skip over the details of most of my existence to blog about one specific topic.

This time? Being unreliable.

A few years ago, someone I was dating told me that I was unreliable, that he couldn't count on me. I was hurt since I feel as though I go out of my way for the people I care about -- and I liked to think that most of the time, I did so without expectation of reciprocation.

At the time, I was working 18-hour days and had an unpredictable schedule -- I never knew if I had to work until the day prior. And when I did know I was free, I let him know.

But this made me unreliable because I couldn't confirm anything until absolutely last minute.

I thought he was being unfair because it was a situation I couldn't really control. I felt like I was already doing everything I could to be there for him... and that he wasn't making the effort on his side to understand that.

But lately, I feel like I've started to WANT some kind of reciprocation -- some effort from the other side. I've realized that I have a ton of really uneven relationships. Relationships where I feel I put in the effort -- I try -- but there's no effort from the other party, or minimal effort at best. Or relationships where I seem to be at someone's beck and call, or they're present at their convenience.

I mean, I know I'm horrible at asking for help. But there really are some situations where asking isn't warranted, since there would be no reason to ask for help if the person had come through to begin with. I want the people around me to stop being unreliable. I want to know that if I need them, they'll be there. Or that they won't put me in a situation where I'd need to seek outside help.

On top of that, I want to know that the sacrifices I make for people are appreciated. That they keep me in mind the same way that I keep them in mind. That I'm not being taken advantage of.

And I think lately, I've been too giving. I need to take better care of myself -- and ask that the people around me take better care of me, too.

My Mommy told me recently that one of her fears is that I'll never find someone who will take care of me. She feels like I'll always be the one taking care of the other person in any relationship. Heck, even with family -- I tend to be the one taking care of the others. I don't even rely on the members of my family to be there for me. I try to do it on my own -- because there's been one too many times where they didn't come through for me. And I'm over it.

I'm over people not being there for me. Or not coming through. Or not appreciating. Or not realizing that I'm not going to be here forever -- just as long as I can stand to be. Just as long that I feel that this is all worth it.

I guess that does make me unreliable, doesn't it? Since I can't guarantee that I'll always be here. Just as long as I can stand it...

Damn.

/me.

Birthday Apologies

2009-03-01T22:16:00.006-10:00

My birthday was yesterday, February 28. I am now 27 years old and am certainly feeling older than I was.

Last night, I experienced something I had never experienced before -- and apparently, in the experience, I upset some of my friends and people I care about.

I have always said that I don't get drunk. Almost everyone who has ever partied with me knows this -- and most people will vouch for me, as I can generally go drink for drink with them.

But I guess I was wrong, because last night, I was not well. Maybe it was the mixing of alcohol types, maybe it's that last week I only slept a total of 7 hours and so my system was weak, but whatever it was, I experienced what everyone else has been talking about. And I didn't like it.

And in my first REAL omg-I-drank-so-much-that-I'm-sick experience, which was quite embarrassing, I found that I hurt some of the people who attended. (I did get sick recently once before this -- but I wasn't drunk. I just didn't feel well in general... this time, I was completely gone.)

It came across that I didn't care people had come to celebrate with me because I often wasn't in the party room with everyone. I stayed outside of the room for the majority of the time... either sleeping at the table outside, sitting on the bathroom floor, and for a time, was in another room altogether as a friend of mine was having a going-away party since he flew out today to move to the mainland, never to return. I also worried people and inconvenienced those who decided to take it upon themselves to take care of me.

I want people to know that I did appreciated that you were there to celebrate with me. And that I'm sorry for my non-presence, both physically and mentally.

There is no excuse in what is or isn't done when under the influence, even though what's said and done isn't in right mind. So, I will not make excuses for anything I did or didn't do that may have upset my friends and loved ones.

Instead, I'm just going to say I'm sorry for upsetting, worrying, hurting you and I love you.

/me.

Sacrifice

2009-02-21T12:58:00.005-10:00

It's been nearly 3 months since I last blogged. Needless to say, my world hasn't stopped moving -- it's still spinning out of control.

Changes and challenges, irritations and frustrations.

Most recently, what's been hard for me is the change to that which I cling to -- my freedom.

For the last 9 years, I've not lived with my family. I've lived abroad, in dorms, with friends, with significant others... as I've mentioned on multiple occasions, as much as I love my family, being in close-proximity with them is unhealthy for me. The freedom and mobility that I didn't have when I was younger is something I value above many things now -- and I was asked at the end of December to give much of that up.

My grandmother on my dad's side, on Christmas Eve, fell. She, until then, with the exception of taking a reaaaaally long time to walk anywhere due to Arthritis-ravaged knees, was still rather sprite and active. She drove. Went to weekly water exercise classes. Cooked. Whatever.

The fall was the beginning of a significant downturn in her mobility and she is now bed-ridden. As such, she needs 24-hour care -- she needs diapers and bed-baths. She needs to care-taking. And unfortunately, our family cannot afford to have outside help significant enough to not truly disrupt our schedules... so my dad asked me to move in and help.

Give up my apartment. Give up going out. Give up freedom. In exchange for a curfew, zero privacy, and no sleep.

I didn't jump at the opportunity. I said yes because I have a sense of familial obligation... and because I knew I didn't have much choice in the matter since we're financially unable to hire the help for the number of hours I am expected to cover.

So, I moved out of my apartment of 4 years and into my grandmother's house in Manoa. And I try to be home by 10 pm, daily, so that I can take care of her evening needs. And I wake up several times throughout the night to check on her. And the only other person who is making any kind of significant sacrifice is my dad -- who, at this point, has it worse off than I do in terms of lack of freedom.

And you know what? It sucks and it isn't fair for any of us involved (dad, grandma, or me).

Grandma deserves the best care possible -- not whatever it is her tired son and selfish granddaughter can provide. Daddy deserves to SLEEP -- he works overnight and has to be awake throughout the day to give her lunch/dinner and meet with the care-people who visit. And honestly, I think I deserve to play.

I've always tried never to be jealous of my friends, but as of late, I find that I get more and more upset when I look at their lives compared to mine. Many of them have honestly had it easy (at least through my eyes) -- they are well-off or have rarely had to struggle financially for anything as their families can provide for them. Heck some of them don't work. And many haven't really had to sacrifice... ever.

And while my life isn't horrible at all -- especially when I think of all the people in the world who know nothing of the luxuries that I have -- I still get jealous that it seems like I've worked so much harder than so many people and yet, I keep struggling and keep having to sacrifice.

My dad understands that I need any possible shred of freedom I can get my claws on and he pays for someone to come in a few times a month so that I can go out with friends and forget for a bit. I wish I could give him that same courtesy.

But frankly, I'm tired and frustrated with it all.
And it's only been a month and a half.
And I keep asking myself...

How much longer do we have to do this?

My grandma is healthy, short of the lack of mobility. No eating restrictions. No mental health issues. Nothing. She'll be 90 later this year and she could live another 10 years!

But I can't last 10 years doing this.
I don't know if I could even last one.

But... with no other obvious outs...

/me.

Everything Changes

2008-12-06T08:25:00.003-10:00

My world is changing at a million miles a minute and I'm trying my best to keep up.

As many of you know, Yoshi and I are no longer together. It's complicated and despite what his blogs may say, the hurtfulness and "wrong-doing" goes in both directions. There is no one person to blame, although in many ways, I do believe a lot of what's happened is my fault. Of course, he would say otherwise.

We're still trying to maintain some kind of relationship. Right now it's a strange muddle of "we're 'friends'" and "i still care for you" and "rawr, death!"

In 2004, we bought a car together: a black, 2004 VW Jetta that we named Kuro-chan. Only recently did we pay off the loan. To be honest, he paid for the majority of it as I always took care of the rent, so when we split up, I said I felt best if he took the car. So, currently, I am rideless save for a little red bicycle that I use to go to work and to the grocery store down the street. I didn't think having no car would be too bad -- enter economy-driven changes at work.

The Honolulu Advertiser recently went through another series of early buyouts, lay offs, departmental realignments and they're now eying up significant pay cuts. I'm lucky to still be there, considering how many people are no longer with the company. This last bit of departmental restructuring affected my position as Online Coordinator and I will be moving into a Digital Media Sales role to help drive revenue. The change is effective immediately and will actually be a good opportunity for me in terms of my financial situation (of course, assuming that the proposed pay cuts do not come to fruition). However, to use a phrase that my friend Vraxx always uses, "the gotcha is..." that in order for me to do this job -- I need to have a car.

Did I just say that I need a car and I currently don't have one due to my personal relationship issues? Did I just say that this change is effective immediately?

*blink* Uh-oh.

So now, I'm on a car search. Gotta spend money to make money, right? And I think I found one that I like. Now it's just a matter of qualifying for a loan and convincing the dealership that they love me enough to give me a really great deal on the car. Thankfully, my year and some change of working closely with the various dealerships on the island via being the local Cars.com technical support contact may aid me in this.

But I need to buy a car... now.

Furthermore, with all the changes at work, plus the uncertainty of more imminent layoffs and a possible pay cut of 31.5% looming over us, it make for some very unhappy coworkers and sometimes, an extremely stressful and frustrating work environment.

Emotional stress. Work stress. Financial stress. Not happy.

I know that what I need to do is roll with the punches and move forward. I know that 我慢するしかない。頑張るしかない。But I think I'm actually having a hard time of all the changes. And as is typical of me, I'm not good at seeking help. I'd rather withdraw and stew a bit and give myself time to process all the issues at hand -- then force myself to accept and move forward.

But first, I need to get used to the fact that I'm still standing still while everything else in the world is changing.

Then once everything stops spinning, I can try to catch up with the rest of the world.

/me.

The Town Called Selfishess

2008-11-10T00:24:00.004-10:00

Inspired by the emotions of the moment, since this is the only way I can say what's on my mind without saying what's on my mind.

I don't even know if what follows makes sense. I didn't reread it. I'll try to read it tomorrow morning before I head out to work --

-----

Long inhale, short release
Screaming, trying to find our peace
In the cacophony that splits our ears
Our minds, our hearts, brings forth our fears
Floods our eyes with tears that blur
The lines of faces, reality. Anger stirs
From years of puffy eyes and aching breasts
Trying so hard, but not good enough yet
Or ever. Loving, leaving, loving, leaving
Half-truths to find the truth, leads to deceiving
Cycle of pointing fingers never ending
Praying for strength, transcending
Those fingers pointing in all directions,
especially in this one.

Blood runs so red, the crimson stains
Our outward stretched fingertips, reaching despite the rain
That steadily washes away the foundations set
By the dreams and wishes and hopes. Forget
All those dreams and replenish the vermilion pond
Filled with depression, accusations, guilt. Respond
Not to those reaching palms and slap back
The soft touches, warm lips that hold, trap
Keep back the doubts, worries, pain and lead
Us back to a place that lays between Denial and Greed,
where Greed is another name for the destination known as
Selfishness.

The monster that lives there that makes the weak hold on
To that which should be released - Let go! So dawn
Can come to the darkened land we have built for
Our own with the Love and Pain that can come only through doors
Built by two who want nothing more than to make the other
Happy. Two who want nothing less than everything good to cover
The World that was supposed to be Theirs. And failed
At doing all that they had intended, building trails
That wound round and round and ended up at Dead Ends
Both fighting hard not to end up in the Town of Friends
The Selfish monster who refuses to release us from its grip
Laughs at we who fell, who stumbled, who tripped.
But truly, despite the bruises, cuts, and bleeding hearts,
The failure at which Selfishness laughs was not complete, just parts.
Because the two succeeded at one thing that it could not attack.
Loving.
Each other.
Forever.
And saying goodbye...
But staying together...

11.04.01 - 11.09.08
Sayonara.

/me.

Silence

2008-11-03T22:12:00.002-10:00

Inevitably, when there's a long hiatus between postings, something's amiss. It's rare that I choose not to blog simply because nothing's happening. That's not how my life works. Something's ALWAYS happening, whether I like it or not.

Generally speaking, whether it be personal, professional, or whatever -- long breaks between blogging mean that something is happening that I can't really discuss in a public forum. Not necessarily "can't." Sometimes it's "won't." Other times, tis "not ready to."

This is all of those times. Actually, the past several months has been "one of those times" at every point along the way.

I won't go into detail. It's not always good to air one's dirty laundry. Let's just say that I'm really good at making mistakes when I should know better. I'm good at hurting people I care for, sometimes knowingly and sometimes not. As selfless as I like to think myself to be, I'm selfish. I want what I want -- and while I often will sacrifice my wants for the needs and wants of others... sometimes, enough's enough, and I take what I want for my own. Or, at least, I try to...

What do I want?

Heh. 自分自身も知りたいな～。

I guess the blanket answer to that question is happiness. Tis a cop out response, I know.

I guess happiness is pretty relative and certainly, I've been at lower lows. I just need to make a decision about how I want to achieve and/or receive the thing that I want. That happiness thing.

But I can I make the right decisions? Or should I just remain silent and see what comes?

/me.

P.S. Twitter is stupidly addicting. Check me out at http://www.twitter.com/monchalee

P.P.S. I came across a poem that I wrote on 05.22.06. It was in response to a poem that a friend of mine wrote about friendship. I shall post my friend's and then my response.

Friend's Poem: Oasis

Tired wanderer, scorching desert: Crying, burned, jaded, worn
Wounded heart, pain and hurt: Come to me, bruised and torn

Desert oasis, illusion not: Comfort, healing, mending, rest
Recover from life's battle's fought: Water clear, refreshing, zest

Friendship deep, forgiving, pure: Tested by life's desert heat
Standing strong, whole, and sure: Drink stranger, take a seat

Once a wanderer, now a friend: One more drop in the oasis
Will another come along: Different hearts, many faces

Oasis in the desert sands: Shelter from life's toughest wrath
Healing hearts, healing hands: Friendship found on journey's path

My Response: Mirage

A barren desert, hot and dry
With little life and shelter none
A stranger comes, wandering lost
Parched and baked by blazing sun
Sees shimmering water, blessed hope
Crawls toward the distance, cross the dunes
Reaches living, lush Oasis
Can't believe that this is true
Reaches down with dirty hands
To take a sip of cooling life
And finds, instead, a mouth of sand
A mirage -- an illusionary knife.

-----

I guess that says a lot about me and my experiences, huh? Oh well.

Virtual Predators

2008-07-08T20:01:00.009-10:00

I've never had a problem meeting in real life the people that I've met or known virtually. I tend to spend a lot of time online -- I have since the advent of affordable dial-up. And despite the dangers, I find that I tend to "trust" personalities of a digital nature.

One of my old bosses, Joy, never understood why I could "make friends" online so easily. Neither did she understand why I would choose to blog. To her, it's dangerous. To her, there's no privacy. I've always written her paranoia up as "Generation Gap."

I find that so many people find that hiding behind a computer screen makes them brave -- and brutally honest. And because I think that I'm generally that way, with or without said computer screen, I tend to respect the people on the other side.

I've been lucky in that the majority of people I've met in person have been exactly as they were online. Or at least close enough. With the exception of a stalker or two, I've managed to make some really good virtual friends. Heck, I even met Yoshi online back in the days before Yahoo! owned Geocities. And because I'm a fighter (or something like that), I have managed to finagle my way out of potentially bad situations.

Over the past half year or so, I've made friends with a sweetheart named Rumi. We met online through http://www.mixi.jp, a Japanese social network site much like MySpace. She contacted me and said she planned to come to Hawaii and wanted me to be her friend. She was traveling alone and wanted to have someone local with whom she could hang out. I had no problems with this.

We met up and I took her around a bit. She wasn't here long, but we got on well enough and she posted all about me in her blogs when she returned to Japan. I was her Hawaii sister.

She recently was back in town, again, traveling by herself. And for whatever reason, we had a hard time catching each other. A lot of missed calls. We managed to get together last night for dinner -- she left this morning. And I found out part of the reason why she'd been so hard to get in touch with.

She, like me, makes friends online. And meets them in person. And stays with said virtual people when she visits Hawaii. Last time, she encountered no problems. This time, the person she stayed with was one of those people that everyone warns you about. One of those virtual people that's nothing like they pretend to be.

As an aside, she'd actually met this person face to face in Japan, when they hung out for a week, but the original meeting was via Internet. From what she knew of the guy, he was nice. Trustworthy. Safe.

She came to Hawaii and aside from stealing her money -- he beat the shit out of her. Punched her. Kicked her. Bit her. And she didn't call the cops because she doesn't speak English. And she didn't call her other friends in Hawaii because she didn't know what to say. And so she stayed half a week -- and then ran away when the guy went out one evening.

Rumi told me all this last night -- as we ate her last dinner in Hawaii for this trip. She showed me some of the cuts and bruises she'd accumulated from the experience. She held back tears and said that she had intended never to return to Hawaii -- it's too scary.

And all I could think was about how I couldn't protect her. How I had no idea that someone was hurting her. How vulnerable she was because she didn't know who she could turn to. And how this is exactly what Joy was talking about.

And I hate to admit it -- but the Internet is a scary place. And I have honestly been lucky that something similar has never happened to me.

Does this mean that I'm going to stop blogging? Of course not. Does this mean that I'm going to stop "making friends" with people online? No.

But does it make me scared that maybe I'm setting myself up to get hurt? Does it make me want to tell all my friends to be careful -- because you never know who you're really chatting with? Does it make me want to Google the bastard who hurt Rumi and find out every detail about the jerk, so that I can ... do ... something?

... Rawr. I'm speechless.

It's been said a million times: The virtual world is full of real life predators. I was just too obtuse to see that it was true.

/me.

Unhappy Meal

2008-06-10T23:53:00.006-10:00

I had a bad day Tuesday. It started off with me in tears and didn't get much better at work. I won't go into the details of why today was what it was, but know that it brought me down and made me completely antisocial.

Several people asked me to go to the gym -- and while at first, I didn't want to, Rob was nice enough to drag my ass out of the house and force me to go to 24 hour fitness.

I hadn't eaten dinner yet and was starving. But he pointed out that I likely wouldn't go if I ate first. I'd either get sneepy, or I'd simply stay home and mope. At least in not eating dinner, it made me seem lighter when I weighed myself. I weighed 121 lbs -- my goal is to be between 113 and 116 lbs.

By the end of the work out, I was famished. Our choices? Go to Safeway to pick up ingredients for cooking... something. Or McDonald's 24-hour drive through. Of course, we chose McDonald's and undid everything we had done at the gym.

I decided to order a Happy Meal in a lame attempt to do something "positive" for myself today. Happy Meal = Happy Me, right? Wrong.

Why?

No toy.

The world obviously doesn't want me to be happy right now. It won't even give me a stinkin' Kung-Fu Panda McDonald's Happy Meal toy.

Frickin' sucks.

/me.

Holding Back Dreams - Part III

2008-05-31T08:49:00.004-10:00

My big baby brother is graduating from Punahou on Saturday and of course, the question of the moment is: "Where are you going for college?"

His dream? New York University

That's where I wanted to go. And that's where my littlest brother (now 16) wants to go.

I didn't go. I went to Mount Holyoke College and wasn't even allowed the opportunity to apply to NYU. In the end, MHC was fine and I met beautiful people that made the whole experience worth it.

But there has been a lot of drama within the family lately. Talks of unhappiness. Of suicide. I've always said my family was disfunctional. It's not empty of love. We all (most of us) love each other. But maybe with the exception of one person, who of course has her share of downs, there is not one of us who is happy.

Not my mom, dad, stepdad, grandparents, brothers. Not me.

And now it looks like my brother may not be going to NYU. The final decision has not been made -- but the outlook is grim. And why will he not be able to go?

Because of one person standing in the way.

And I watch as another person's dreams bite the dust.

/me.

Holding Back Dreams - Part II

2008-05-31T08:35:00.003-10:00

Did I ever tell you what my dreams were?

I wanted to be an artist. Of any kind. I wanted to draw. To create. To design. To do something that wasn't along the lines of a young urban professional. That was my first and foremost dream.

When I was young, I was a state sponsored Honolulu Academy of Arts student. I went to weekly art classes, free of charge. I guess my teachers saw something special in me in terms of creativity. I was working toward my dreams.

What happened?

One day, I drew something of which I was really proud. The average artist is rarely satisfied with their own work -- so to say that I was proud of it is to say quite a bit. I showed it to a particular member of my family.

And they said it sucked. They asked me why I was even drawing. It would never amount to anything. It wouldn't pay my bills.

That day, I threw away every piece of art I had ever done. I put away my crayons, pencils, and cray-paas. And I have never done a serious piece of work since then. Doodles don't count.

And I moved on.

I picked up music. I was a percussionist in band. And at my peak, I was considered the 3rd best mallet player (xylophone, marimba, vibraphone, etc.) in the state. Playing music was wonderful. It moved me. I imagined continuing to take music through college and eventually play for the symphony or ... broadway shows... or something.

What happened?

I was told that I have to quit band. Quit playing music. Why? Because my brothers wanted to play baseball and soccer. And I needed to take care of them. I needed to go to every practice. Every game. It doesnt matter that no one in my family came to my practices, games, concerts. My brothers needed me, or so I was told.

So I quit band. I put away my mallets for good. Never to touch them again. And I threw myself into my brothers' lives. I joined the PTA so that I could take a more active role in what their school was doing for them. But because I was young, my opinion wasn't taken seriously. And eventually, my brothers quit soccer. Quit baseball. And I was left with not much, in terms of dreams.

Then I started dating Yoshi. And I dreamed of being with him forever. And marrying him. And making a life with him. Four years later, we were broken up. I was laying on the floor each night, sobbing my heart out. I'd lost my final dream.

And now we're together again. But I'm not dreaming anymore.

And I don't think I want to dream anymore.

It's not worth the piece of yourself that you lose when you give up on that dream.

/me.