For quite a while now, I've been really stressed for various reasons. I've mentioned some of the different sources of that stress in previous blogs, but in the last few weeks, the stress seems to have truly compounded -- causing, in essence, a not-quite-as-genki, rather-sit-in-the-corner-and-not-interact, don't-wanna-go-out kind of me.
My self-confidence has plummeted (again -- ha!) and what I originally thought to be some kind of cold or bug has actually turned out to be stress-induced coughing, accompanied by untimely spotting, some kind of weird rash thing on my torso and lack of appetite.
I don't feel the urge to do anything, except for maybe sleep -- and I haven't had a good night's rest since... I actually can't tell you when.
I force myself to eat at least once a day, not because I'm hungry but because I know I need the sustenance. But no longer am I eating healthy. Instead, I'm eating what's easy -- which is rarely ever good for me.
I don't work out, which is setting me back in the Muffin Wars. Total, I've lost like 20 lbs and I've at least another 10 to go before I'm satisfied. But in the not exercising and the not eating (or not eating healthily) I've begun losing the muscle mass I'd gained and have begun regaining the fats.
And while I can't tell you here what has been the main root of my problems -- let's just say that whatever it is has severely affected my self-confidence in other areas as well and left me completely unmotivated.
And there's always the issue of who I can trust and who is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
I've been very lucky in that I have many who know I've been stressed and who worry about me and want to help in what ways they can to alleviate what stress I have. I appreciate it, even if I don't seem as though I do. I'm very much aware that some of you have gone out of your way to try to take care of me and I love you for it.
The universe is out to protect me, probably as much from myself as from the things that seek to cause pain and unhappiness. Lately, Buddhas and protective amulets keep finding their way to my side -- many in the form of gifts and some in the form of circumstance. If you've given me anything to try and help me -- bracelets, amulets, cards, hugs, prayers, massages -- it has helped. I'm not completely self-destructive and that, let's just say, is an amazing thing, because there was a time in the past where I would have easily taken a knife to my skin to "alleviate the pain." I think the praying and chanting I've been doing also helps me to stay sane and realize that this isn't that bad. I know it's not.
Yesterday, I bought myself an amulet of sorts and I pray that it's a sign that things are to get better.
In 2001, a Wiccan friend of mine gave me an unshaped piece of black jade wrapped in silver wire that served as my protective amulet while I traveled. She imbued it with all her love for me and her wish to keep me safe. I wore it as a pendant for a few years, never taking it off. In 2003, the pendant disappeared. It just fell off one day, leaving the silver chain around my neck. I guess its work was done, but I've always felt funny that it was no longer with me.
Since then, I've been looking for black jade. Ask anyone who knows and they will tell you it's nearly impossible to find. Many will say that they've not seen anything made of black jade in years. Over the last 5 years, whenever was appropriate, I'd look. And so would my mom. And my dad. And we've never found any. (Well, I found some on the Net, but wasn't sure if I could trust the source.) Anyway, yesterday, when I was out with my sister and my dad... I found black jade. In the form of a pendant. In the shape of a happy Buddha.
And with the help of my family, I bought it (since I didn't have the cash on me to buy it myself). According to the woman from whom it was purchased, her mom brought it over from Hong Kong 10 years ago. And it was the only black jade one she had. And I guess it was waiting for me.
So, at least that's one positive turn. Surely, a needed one. It would be great if the Universe could send a few another positive things my way. I mean, I guess it has... but it's all stuff for the future. Nothing for the present.
I guess I just have to be patient.
P.S. Congratulations to Leah on her engagement to Mark. I love you both and will try my best to make it to Atlanta next year to be by your side. I miss you and send alll the love I can to you and to Mark and to One-Two and Three-Four and your parents and Kyle and Bubbie and your weird grandpa with the dented head. I love you!
Check out their site: http://www.leahandmark.com