When I talk to people, I tend to be very open. I generally have no qualms talking about my past or embarrassing moments or periods of strife. I share them because I have nothing to hide, and often, I don't care what the listener thinks about what I am saying or about who I am, as a person. I'm me and I try not to apologize for it too often.
Because I am an open person, people tend to be open with me in return. They tell me secrets and know that I won't tell anyone. I generally don't judge. And often, I've gone through something similar so I can empathize.
And because of the fact that people feel comfortable with me, they often come to consider me as a close friend and confidante. And cold as this may seem, I often see them as no more than an acquaintance.
That being said, I know that I am blessed. Despite my somewhat aloof take on "friendship," as I've aged, I've managed to collect a group of friends on whom I know that I can rely if I so choose. They don't judge me. They love me for me. And if I so needed it, they'd fly to the ends of the universe for me. I haven't seen many of those people in years. I rarely talk to them.
Any of my many acquaintances, I believe, would also be there for me if I asked them to be. The offers are there and I appreciate them. But as I've mentioned before, as open as I am, I find that I have a hard time talking out my frustrations. I don't like "burdening" people -- yes, yes, I know many of you are shaking your heads and denying that my venting would be a burden at all.
Today, I remembered part of the reason why I don't generally open up with regards to what's really bothering me. I remembered why I choose to blog instead of chat or talk to someone living. It's because my blog won't slam the door in my face, on purpose or not.
I mentioned to a friend today that I'd been depressed. My friend read my previous blog posting and I decided that I'd discuss my present state of emotion with him. His response? "Stop emo'ing." Heh. Stop emo'ing.
Of course he's right. I *am* being overly emotional. That's part of my frustration and I admit to that. But that's not what I needed. I didn't need someone to throw my emotion back in my face when I decided to make myself vulnerable. I didn't need my concerns belittled or made light of.
I know that my frustrations are nothing in the grand scheme of things. That's yet another reason I don't often bring them up.
I told him that I lack a good support system. My best friends are not here (and I refuse to lean on them for such minor things -- although they'd welcome it). My friends that are here often don't understand where I'm coming from (or do, but don't react the way I need them to). My family has their own stresses (and often, manage to make me feel worse). And so I'm left with my cat, my blog, and myself.
My cat's insane. So scratch that.
All the openness in the world and all I can do is talk to no one but this small virtual space in an endless virtual world. I just hope it doesn't slam the door in my face.