Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Stronger

The last week and a half or so, I haven't had much opportunity to chat online with Yoshi. It seems I have the worst luck of it. If I wake up at 3 or 4 am, he doesn't come online. If he comes online later in the day, I'm either out of the house or at work. If I'm at work and happen to have meebo on, I'll be away from my desk when he IMs me and he'll be gone by the time I return. And this morning, I woke up late with a start (by late I mean 5:30 am) to realize he'd been on for two hours and that Kira had put my computer on mute so I didn't hear the AIM sound that is specific to Yoshi when he logs on.

And right when I came on to say hi, he said he had to go.

And I burst into tears.

And now I'm depressed.

As many of you know, I've had bouts of anti-social behavior since he's been gone. But today is the first time in the two months he's been in Kuwait that I feel as though I'm having an emotional breakdown because of his absence. This is the first time I really cried since dropping him off that rainy night at Schofield.

And I feel like shit.

And all of this feels silly to some extent because it's not like we haven't spent time apart before. I went to college in Japan and Massachusetts and was basically gone for those four years, with just a few return trips here and there. But I think this is different.

Maybe because this time, he's unhappy about being away. He isn't there by choice, but by obligation. He's unhappy and there's nothing I can do about it. And that sucks.

Maybe it's just the frustration of knowing that I have the opportunity to have contact with him right at my fingertips and because of my luck, I can't seem to make it happen.

Maybe it's because I'm just pathetic and needy.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sitting in my room at 5:45 am in tears that won't seem to stop -- ignoring a hungry, whining Kira.

Stupid emotional breakdown. Go away already. I'm supposed to be stronger than this...

/me.

P.S. I just realized that our "anniversary" is on Sunday. *sigh*

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