Thursday, September 27, 2007

Nightmares and New Starts

So, for the past several weeks, I haven't been sleeping well. Rather, I just haven't been well. Everything from random waves of nausea (generally in the evening) to troubled sleep to lack of motivation and antisocial behavior.

I guess the combination of Yoshi being gone, frustration in job searching, and a general frustration with myself, overall, has literally been keeping me awake at night. When I sleep, I sleep in short stints... waking up every 20 - 40 minutes or so. If I manage to sleep longer than that, my dreams are riddled with nightmares -- nightmares mostly about job searches gone wrong, failures, and death. Since I'm generally one who doesn't dream at night, dreaming at all can sometimes be exhausting. But dreams that just... are negative... well, let's just say it's been rough.

And my lack of sleep hasn't made me the best friend or the best family member. I've been irritable, antisocial, and generally blah. So, if I've slighted you at all in the past several weeks -- turned down invites, snapped at you, canceled, not answered calls (not that I'm good about answering calls anyway), not helped to celebrate -- I'm sorry. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be good company anyway.

Hopefully, though, things will change soon and I'll start sleeping better. Since my release from Lost, I've been living off my savings and off what Yoshi is making, now that he's in Kuwait. Lack of money is yet another reason why I've been MIA. I can't afford to live right now, let alone play. But today, I received a job offer and accepted.

I've been job searching for weeks and weeks. Went to a job fair. Went to countless interviews. Some for which I wasn't qualified. Some for companies that I didn't think deserved me. Some that would be great jobs, but paid next to nothing. A big issue for me has been pay. I swore that I wouldn't take any steps backward, paywise. And I didn't.

Starting next week Thursday-ish, after a drug clearance and some paperwork goes through, I will be the new Online Coordinator for The Honolulu Advertiser. I'm not sure of the nitty gritty, but it sounds as though I will be heading up the coordination for their online cars search engine via It will be my first job where I work semi-normal hours. A mere 37.5 hours per week, average! Considering that I'm used to working 60+ hours per week, this'll be nothing!

I'll probably walk to work everyday, which will help, I'm sure, with the self image thing.

And as for Yoshi, all I can do is make due with what little contact I have with him. I've been waking up at 4 am, each day, to chat with him for an hour. That's more than I was thinking we were going to get, so I'm grateful. We may also have the opportunity to see each other next year, assuming he gets leave. (By the way, if anyone wants to start going walking at 5 am-ish, let me know.)

So... things are looking up. Which is good, because I needed that.


Monday, September 17, 2007

Departures - Part III

Part III

Yesterday, after having awakened from a troubled sleep, wrought with nightmares, I received a phone call from my Dad. He said that he, my grandma, and the rest of that side of the family were at Queen's Hospital, in room 541 of Queen Emma Tower, to say goodbye to my Great Aunt Nobuko before she passed away.

I immediately walked across the street to the hospital to join my family. Aunty Nobu, youngest sibling of seven, was originally admitted to a different hospital for pneumonia. They discharged her that day, but she was readmitted, this time into Queen's Hospital, as her condition had worsened.

By the time that I'd arrived, Aunty's vitals were already headed downhill. She was on a respirator, had lost conciousness, and despite being on two IVs, the doctors and nurses had already cut off the drip. Everyone had already been there for several hours; I was only there for two.

It was heartbreaking watching her two daughters and their husbands, HER husband, and their dog, gathered around her, hugging her and talking to her... watching her husband, Harold, generally a rather stoic Japanese fellow, kissing her and whispering in her ear... crying.

I was there when the doctor came in and asked the family's permission to give Aunty an extra dose of morphine, to lessen her pain. Asked if the family would approve of not giving any resuscitative measures should she take her last breath (CPR or defibrillator), as it would only bring her more pain and wouldn't bring her back.

I didn't catch the exact time she flatlined as they turned off the in-room monitor when the time neared, so the family wouldn't watch the monitor. But I was there when she took her final breath.

I watched the entire family (except for one person) cry. My grandmother, shaking silently as she watched her youngest sister die before her. This is the second sibling she's lost this year. They were both younger than her.

Now, there's just my grandmother and my Aunty Pat left of the seven. And my grandmother doesn't want to be the last of them.

Anyway, Mrs. Nobuko Minami (maiden name: Ishimoto) passed away the afternoon of Sunday, September 16, 2007, in the Queen Emma Tower, room 541, of Queen's Hospital. She is survived by her husband, Harold, her two daughters, Susan and Sandra, and her two sisters, Patricia and Jeanne. She also has many nieces and nephews, grand-nieces and grand-nephews.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Departures - Parts I & II

Part I

Last night, I silently watched Yoshi put on his military uniform. I've seen him leave several times already. And with the exception of the first time, that brought me to tears, it's gotten easier and easier to watch him leave because his departure to Kuwait seems less and less real as he kept coming home to my doorstep.

This time was real.

We drove our way to Schofield to drop him off by midnight. Mid-way there, our gas light came on, as in our rush we'd forgotten to refill the gas tank, adding to the anxiety already thick in the air. We talked about silly things -- and complained about people and their goats and stuff that doesn't really matter in real life.

We arrived at Area X exactly on time. On time, in military time, is actually late... but it seemed everyone was running late. I guess everyone knew they were really leaving this time and were trying to prolong the inevitable.

He unloaded his stuff and prepped it for his departure. And I made mine, not wanting to get in the way. I hugged him tight, kissed him and told him to stay safe and do his best (頑張って、気を付けてね.) I told myself I wouldn't cry as I walked away back to the car. And I didn't, nor did I need to because it started to rain... like the world was crying because the human race is so stupid... sending people off to fight a pointless war.

And now he's gone. Here's to hoping he comes back soon, unscathed physically, emotionally, mentally. And here's to the rest of his unit returning in the same way.

Part II

In other news, I was offered a wonderful opportunity to work as the APOC (Assistant Production Office Coordinator) for an upcoming television series. The job would have taken me to San Fernando Valley, CA for 9 months, and would have allowed me to work under a wonderful woman, Michyl-Shannon Quilty (see IMDB for details about what she's done).

I did a lot of searching. Apartment searching. Subleaser searching. Ticket searching. Soul searching.

And today, I told my beloved Michyl that I wouldn't be going. Not because I don't want to take the position. Quite the contrary, I do. But because I don't think I could afford it.

So to all of you who were helping me apartment search, helping me find subleasers or who were simply cheering me on, thanks. I appreciated it and I feel bad that I'm not following through with the move, despite your help. But I think that this is the right choice...

So, long story short (now that you've reached the end of this entry), departures: completed and averted. to find a job I want to do here in Hawaii.