I've been frustrated lately.
Those of you who are in contact with me on a fairly constant basis know this. Hell, many of you who only are in casual contact with me know this. And the question coming from all of you is, "Why?"
Why am I frustrated? There are a multitude of reasons, just as I am currently experiencing myriad KINDS of frustration.
I don't even know where to start and where to end my list of reasons why I might be frustrated.
Yoshi is gone. And I haven't really heard from him for a while. I won't be seeing him for at least a year and a half. I miss the friends who were closest to me. I haven't seen them in years. I'm not happy with the way that I look. I'm tired. I don't have time for myself or to exercise or to fence or for friends or for family or to do absolutely nothing. I've begun to hate my job because of a certain someone who I feel abuses me -- who chooses favorites and who seems to be spiteful, in spite of their "let's have a happy office" ideology. Also because of a certain coworker on whom I absolutely can't rely, but whose actions (inaction?) gets me blamed for everything negative under the sun. Some of the few people to whom I am close are currently going through some "rough" times and are taking their frustrations out on me -- whether they mean to or not. And I take it. Prayers go unanswered. Prayers don't even happen, half the time. It seems I've run into many people lately who are close-minded and disappointing. My friend's dad just died and I probably won't even get to go to the funeral service because I'll be working. And what's sad is even if given the opportunity to go, I'm so hurting for funds right now that I would choose work over the service because I need the cash.
And that's not the end of it. I have so much to vent. So much to say. And nothing I CAN say or do at this point feels as though it'll make any difference.
There are lots of people who I know would listen to my complaints and for that I'm grateful. But as much as I vent, I've always been one to try and carry my own burdens. I don't need anyone. Even though I do. And maybe that's because I'd rather not burden anyone else. It's not like their knowing about the things that are dragging me down will change the situation. It doesn't change a thing.
It doesn't change a damn thing.
And fuck, life goes on. And I think about my mound of problems and realize that my problems are nothing in the grand scheme of things. And I know that. And that only manages to make me feel worse because, despite knowing that really, my problems aren't so bad, I can't make the feelings of frustration go away. I can't deal with my stresses better.
I can't be better and make things better or anything.
I can't. Not that I won't or think I can't. I just can't. Tis out of my control.
And life spirals on and on...
And I stand still.