Hi Readers... if anyone still reads this.
So, it has been ages since I've last blogged and my non-blogging was a concious decision. I didn't blog, not because I had nothing about which to write, but because I had too many things -- all of which were sensitive topics. I needed an outlet for all the happenings in my life, but I couldn't put it here... couldn't make it public because it involved too many other lives and it wasn't my place (it still isn't) to make much of it accessable to everyone else.
In the biggest nutshell... since I've last posted, the following has happened (Please note that this is not in any kind of order):
* I made mistakes.
* I made new friends.
* I lost old friends.
* I got weaker.
* I got stronger.
* I fell in love.
* I broke a heart.
* I lost a chance.
* I learned what it was to be number one.
* I learned that sometimes, once is not enough.
* I learned that I am truly selfish.
* I realized that I can't make others see their own selfishness.
* I found myself.
* Yoshi came home.
* I quit my old job.
* I started a new job.
* I got fatter.
* I got back a dream.
* I shattered a dream.
* I fenced.
* I stopped fencing.
* I lost myself.
* I found... a lot of myself... but am still searching for the rest of me.
Honestly, the last year or two has been emotionally draining. I've hurt a lot of people, and especially those who are close to me have seen me hurt. Seen me scream. Cry. Rage. Die.
Yoshi came back in August and we've been trying, since, to work things out. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I will never be what he wants. He might never be able to put me before all else. He might resent me forever. But somehow, I still want things to work out.
A good friend of mine in Japan, Dave, pointed out to me last night that I, like he, generally have tao-ist tendencies. In other words, very "whatever happens, happens." But he noted that with this Yoshi situation, no matter how much the world at large likes to get in the way, I still try to force the issue. I still ultimately want to be with him, even if it may not necessarily be the best situation for either of us.
Ah well... I have tons of things to write about... but, unfortunately, that will have to wait.
If you have questions, let me know.
I promise to try better to keep you updated on my life.