Thursday, March 29, 2007

Undeserved Reprimand

Hi All,

As some of you may know, I recently began a new job.

For the past two years, I've worked for PacRim Marketing Group, Inc. They are a primarily Japan-focused PR/advertising/marketing firm. I held three positions there: Advertising Assistant, Marketing Coordinator, and Account Executive.

However, three weeks ago, I began working as the Key Office Production Assistant at Grass Skirt Productions -- in other words, I work for LOST.

It's an interesting, high-stress, secretive production. The relationships between the different levels here are very different from the two shows on which I've worked before (North Shore and Extreme Makeover).

Now, part of television is to not step on anyone's toes. If you can manage to not piss anyone off, you've done well. You also have to be thick-skinned, as sometimes the words that come out of peoples' mouths are scathing and it's easy to get hurt. Most of the time, I've let peoples' comments slide off me like water on a duck's back, but that's because the words are rarely meant to be taken personally.

Today, I was reprimanded. The words were hot and directed at me by a producer(who shall remain nameless). My mistake? Not knowing the producer's voice when I answered the main line. Of course, being standard procedure when you redirect a call, I asked who was speaking as I didn't recognize the voice (primarily because I've not heard more than 10 words spoken to me from this person yet). The response, "If you ask me who I am again, I'm going to take this fucking cell phone and throw it through your fucking head." That may not be verbatim, but it's pretty close.

What infuriates me here is that:
1) There shouldn't be an expectation that I know the person's voice if I've barely even spoken to the person. That's unreasonable.

and

2) Despite my position and his, there should be some sort of mutual respect. You know, I *do* happen to be of the same species as the person, despite their financial situation. Choice of language is big. There is a huge difference between something along the lines of "You dumb fuck" and "You made a mistake." (Those are just examples and were not said to me in this instance.)

I'm sure the producer must think me to be stupid, which I think frustrates me more, since I know that I am not.

Anyway, that's the basic rundown of today's undeserved reprimand.

Ridiculous, really. Grrr.

Have any of you had similar experiences? I'd love to hear them.

/me.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Everyday People

Hi all,

Everyday People. Everyday People are the individuals with whom you create your life. They are the ones that, whether physically present or not, influence you everyday. These are the people that, when for whatever reason, you lose them... your life noticeably changes and you can recognize that change.

Just because you don't see someone everyday doesn't mean they aren't influencing you. Some of my best friends in the world (and really, I mean in the world as they are located all over the place) are Leah, Dave, and Rae. I haven't seen any of them in countless years. I barely speak to them and yet, they are my part of my Everyday People. If for whatever reason, I were to lose them, part of me would die. And I would feel it. Everyday.

Liane was one of my closest friends growing up. I like to say we were best friends for 10 years, although who knows when the friendship stopped on her side. Occasionally, I see her around. But I'm dead to her and in my life, she is no longer. When she decided that she no longer wanted any part of me, I lost a bit of myself. Everything that I'd put into creating what I had with her was lost. And to this day, even though we parted ways now more than 10 years ago, I still feel that loss.

And she was not my only loss. There have been many. Some by choice, either theirs or mine. And some by fate.

Sometimes you lose someone and then get them back again. In those cases, it doesn't always mean that you get back the piece that you lost. Sometimes it's gone for good... and you then have to take what's left of what you have, if anything, and try to rebuild.

Recently, I lost another one of my Everyday People. His path only briefly crossed mine, but he taught me so much in that short time. He is no longer here because I asked him, pleaded with him, screamed at him to leave. And he did. And while I'm sure he's cursing me and cursing all he's lost now that I'm not part of his life, he doesn't realize that he's not the only one who is feeling a sense of loss. Afterall, he was part of my Everyday.

And we both lost a lot.

...

To My Everyday People, past, present, and future - Thank you for being there - or even being not there. Thank you for giving me second chances (sometimes third, fourth, fifth, infinity chances). Thank you for kicking my ass when I need it. Hugging me when I need it. Loving me when I need it. For telling me what I need. For letting me figure out what I need. For just being. Because I wouldn't be who I am without you.

<3

/me.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Recap

Hi Readers... if anyone still reads this.

So, it has been ages since I've last blogged and my non-blogging was a concious decision. I didn't blog, not because I had nothing about which to write, but because I had too many things -- all of which were sensitive topics. I needed an outlet for all the happenings in my life, but I couldn't put it here... couldn't make it public because it involved too many other lives and it wasn't my place (it still isn't) to make much of it accessable to everyone else.

In the biggest nutshell... since I've last posted, the following has happened (Please note that this is not in any kind of order):

* I made mistakes.
* I made new friends.
* I lost old friends.
* I got weaker.
* I got stronger.
* I fell in love.
* I broke a heart.
* I lost a chance.
* I learned what it was to be number one.
* I learned that sometimes, once is not enough.
* I learned that I am truly selfish.
* I realized that I can't make others see their own selfishness.
* I found myself.
* Yoshi came home.
* I quit my old job.
* I started a new job.
* I got fatter.
* I got back a dream.
* I shattered a dream.
* I fenced.
* I stopped fencing.
* I lost myself.
* I found... a lot of myself... but am still searching for the rest of me.

Honestly, the last year or two has been emotionally draining. I've hurt a lot of people, and especially those who are close to me have seen me hurt. Seen me scream. Cry. Rage. Die.

Yoshi came back in August and we've been trying, since, to work things out. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I will never be what he wants. He might never be able to put me before all else. He might resent me forever. But somehow, I still want things to work out.

A good friend of mine in Japan, Dave, pointed out to me last night that I, like he, generally have tao-ist tendencies. In other words, very "whatever happens, happens." But he noted that with this Yoshi situation, no matter how much the world at large likes to get in the way, I still try to force the issue. I still ultimately want to be with him, even if it may not necessarily be the best situation for either of us.

Ah well... I have tons of things to write about... but, unfortunately, that will have to wait.

If you have questions, let me know.

I promise to try better to keep you updated on my life.

/me.