Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Because of my ever loyal friends and fans, I've decided to write again. I got an email the other day from Yoshikazu, an old student of mine, saying that he's been wondering how I am since I haven't posted in a long time, haven't emailed or mailed anyone, hell, I've half dropped off the face of the earth.

I am on hiatus-- with myself. It's been more than a month since Yoshi's left me. I'm still not over it. I still wear the ring he gave me... but instead of wearing it on my finger, I wear it around my neck. I'm waiting. How naive is that of me? I'm waiting.

Of course, in my deepest heart, I suspect that it may be in vain. But more than anything, despite everything, I still want to be with him. I love him that deeply. And dammit, if it hadn't been because of stupid mistakes that I've made in the past... let me rephrase, because of A stupid mistake, I'm near certain that he would have continued to love me just as deeply as he had started.

At first, I did a lot of crying on the floor. Sobbing until I was dehydrated, my throat hoarse, my box of kleenex nearly depleted. Occasionally, that still happens, but I'm mostly over that. Kira, my new kitty, helps.

A good friend of mine, Sewell, has also been doing his best to keep my mind off of things. He's been taking me out all over the place, treating me to food at restaurants to which I've never been. I feel bad that so much money is being spent on me. More than all the eating, what he's been doing is spending time with me. He's taken me to watch the sunset. He's taken me to sit on the beach at night at do absolutely nothing. He's doing all these things that I had begged, and asked, and dreamed that Yoshi would do. Things that Yoshi did with other people. Things that Yoshi didn't do with me.

I think I'm just complaining. Venting my frustrations because I think everyone is sick of actually listening to me vent. Like, geez, Monchalee, how long is it going to take you to stop pitying yourself?! I can't help it!!!

Le sigh.

Anyway, I was telling some of my friends that Sewell was splurging on me. They are of the mind that he has ulterior motives-- although, he claims it's not so. Frankly, I'm not interested in anything with anyone. My brother-in-law says I should just have meaningless sex to get it out of my system. Rebel or something. I don't want that. I just want to find peace within myself. Find a way to be comfortable being alone.

Being alone.


Sigh. That's me.


Isabo said...

*huggles* I love you. I'm so sorry I can't be there for you in person. I would offer to do some ass kicking, but that would hurt you considering the subject, even though I'm so enraged I'm shaking ... So I won't offer (even though I just did??) >_<

Hang in there. Know that you are loved by many and not alone. And I'll never get sick of you complaining, bitching, yelling, sharing, whispering...keep it up if you need or want.

This is YOUR blog. use it. don't blog for others, blog for yourself.

Love you *huge huggles* take care of yourself

Anonymous said...

You people always hold onto old identities, old faces and masks, long after they've served their purpose.
But you've got to learn to throw things away eventually.

Sewell said...


PJ;) said...

Keep on keeping on, love. I'm happy to hear you're healing. In time, the hurt that feels eternal will become a passing thought. Love you.