Saturday, September 24, 2005

Confessions and such

It's 6 pm on a Saturday evening. I am sitting in the dark, in front of this computer, going in and out of pathetic sob fests.

Yoshi came over last night. We made spaghetti together and watched Ong Bak on DVD. It was the first time any cooking has been done in my house since he left me. The temperatures were blazing as outside, the leaves hung listlessly, waiting for even the slightest cooling breeze. It was so hot.

We cooked, chatted a little, and watched the video. And then he left to go pick up his younger sister, Adele, from her school. It would have all been a very normal evening, except that I couldn't tell him how I felt or touch him the way I wanted to. I can't. He's not mine anymore.

I've found out that despite what he says, he may as well be with Revelyn. I can't say that I'm surprised. He tells me, although begrudgingly, that he still loves me. And although he hasn't said it in so many words, that he misses me and that maybe he still thinks of me as his soulmate. And, perhaps like a fool, I believe him only because he's always told me he'd never lie to me. And because, of course, I want so much to believe that that's the way it is.

But, you know, when Revelyn became involved in our lives, he lied several times about his being with her. He snuck out twice, leaving me in the middle of the night, to be with her. The only reason I was sleeping on both nights was because he had spent the entire day with her and told me he was too tired to be up and spend time with me, so, thinking that it was the only way to spend time with HIM, I layed down next to him to sleep.

One night, I rushed home after work to be with him, only to find her here. Which, I suppose, were she just a friend, would have been fine. She told me that night that she had no intention of taking him away from me. As she told me those words, she looked away, and I thought to myself "If that's so... then why are you feeling guilty?" I said nothing.

You know, Yoshi has told many many people that I cheated on him. Maybe that makes what he's doing to me not as bad as if I hadn't. Perhaps I should tell the truth on this matter: When Yoshi and I first got together, I had left someone to be with him. That someone, Josh, well, I'd been with him for about 3 years. I actually broke up with him a few times, only to get back together with him. But anyway, Yoshi, feeling guilty and maybe a lot of pressure from the fact that I told him I'd left Josh for him, pulled away fairly quickly. He told me he wanted to go "find his way" before being with me. I told him, at that time, that if he left me, he'd never have another chance.

Anyway, in the midst of all this crap, I returned home to Hawaii from college for the winter break and went to visit my, at the time, best friend, Jared. Jared was my first love... although, the more I analyze, the more I realize that I've never loved anyone more than I love Yoshi now. Somewhat out of vulnerability, one thing led to another, and we had sex. It lasted all of 5 minutes, he never got to "finish" and I thought to myself the entire time "What in the HELL am I doing??!"

I was honest with Yoshi. And he didn't leave me. He told me he loved me.

Jared, later, was an absolute dick and one day told Yoshi that he was "sorry for having slept with Moch." What does that really mean in guy-talk? "Hey Yoshi, I fucked your chick before you did?" Jared claimed he didn't know that I was with Yoshi or Josh or anyone at the time. Lies. He knew. I told him. And it didn't matter.

So, this thing... my 5 minutes of stupidity... something I've learned to regret for the rest of my life...Yoshi never completely forgave me and most definitely didn't forget.

My heart has never strayed since that day.

That was nearly 4 years ago and I have dedicated every second I possibly could to Yoshi. I've lost countless friends for him. Made endless sacrifices. Only to be thrown away as if it didn't matter for some girl that he barely knows.

Is my love, my life worth so little?

Why isn't my love good enough for him? Enough for him? He told me he wanted to leave so that he could make something of himself... so that he could give me everything I ever wanted.

All I want is him.

All I love is him.

I've lost all of my hopes and dreams in this life. My last one was being with him. And he took that away.

Now all I am is a burden. Something that won't go away.

And I can't make how I feel go away. I pray everyday (yes, I've taken to praying again) for him to return to me for good.

I'm willing to wait a realllllly long time for that day.

I wonder if I'll end up like my grandmother, who even after her first love (my grandfather) left her decades ago, still loves only him. She's alone and he's remarried. She's lonely and he's not. But no one can say she doesn't love him more than anything.

Will I be like that?

Goddess, I'm so pathetic. What's wrong with me that my love isn't good enough to make him happy? Why?


So now, Yoshi is moving on, or maybe not. I don't know. He's invited me to watch this acrobatic show called "CHI" since that's who I am. But when I asked to confirm, he's hesitating. Maybe he thinks it was a mistake to do that. Who knows? Just him, I guess. I asked him straight out if he's with her, and he didn't answer answer. He just said that spending time with her isn't an obligation the way it is with me.


I told him it was because the relationship is still new.

He told me he still cared. I said that there's a difference between caring and loving. He said he still loved me.

He takes her over to his house all the time, he spends nights with her. Adele and them have welcomed her into their home. "She's nice," they say. But to them, I'm still family, even though I'm not allowed to see them anymore.

I'm glad I work so much, because if I were home often enough like this, I'd kill myself. IT hurts so bad.

Yoshi really died inside when Reyna, his first love, left him. He gave up all his plans for the future when she left him. He's my Reyna, but if I completely gave up, he'd punish me for it by never coming back. He wants me to learn to live without him before I can live with him again, so I push on.

And accomplish nothing.

Wow, I really have nothing.

I am nothing.



Anonymous said...

watashtachi, omoi ni maketa no?

ne, mo urushite agetara?

PJ;) said...

Hey Love,
You have your friends, your family, your kitty, your wit, your compassion, your passion, your prayers, your strive to go on, your humor, your insight, your youth, and probably more than I'll never know in this lifetime but am willing to find out. You are more than loss. You are something. You have garnered the courage to deal with your problems at hand. You define strength. The hurt you feel shows the love you have inside of you. You define love. Never, ever are you nothing. At the very least, you are something to me.

Robert said...

omg monch, wish u could feel better...i know i haven't been very good in keeping in touch, but I'll try more often...for that i'm truely sorry.

I'll talk to you soon.


Anonymous said...

Kanake-chan...daisukiyo. and i wish distances really didn't matter to phone bills. i'm emailing my new # anyway.
i love you sis.

Isabo said...

*huggles* love you mochi. Peejay is right. You ARE something. If you were nothing, you wouldn't be feeling right now. Which is proof you're alive enough. Granted that might not be enough...but I won't give you any advice about being depressed and having something to live for because I myself wouldn't believe it. I love you. I hope you can find happiness in other areas of your life. You are so, so strong. To be able to bear up under all this and still manage to go on. *huggles* Love you