Friday, September 30, 2005

Lyrics: "Everything Changes"

Here are the lyrics for my current music. The song is Everything Changes by Stain'd. It fits even better than any other song than I've had on here. I've been trying to come to terms with a bunch of different stuff, as you know...

Something I realized, though, which is written in my AIM profile (for those of you who know me on chat) and something which I told Yoshi this morning was...
"I've never been so broken and empty until I realized that you (him) could throw it all away."

Anyway, without further adieu, the lyrics for EVERYTHING CHANGES.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I'm the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close,
The devil in you I suppose
Because the wounds never heal.

But everything changes
If I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel,

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real.

But everything changes
If I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel,

When it's just me and you.
Who knows what we could do.
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day.

But everything changes
If I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
If I could learn how to feel... If we could

Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway.
It wouldn't change how you feel.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Confessions and such

It's 6 pm on a Saturday evening. I am sitting in the dark, in front of this computer, going in and out of pathetic sob fests.

Yoshi came over last night. We made spaghetti together and watched Ong Bak on DVD. It was the first time any cooking has been done in my house since he left me. The temperatures were blazing as outside, the leaves hung listlessly, waiting for even the slightest cooling breeze. It was so hot.

We cooked, chatted a little, and watched the video. And then he left to go pick up his younger sister, Adele, from her school. It would have all been a very normal evening, except that I couldn't tell him how I felt or touch him the way I wanted to. I can't. He's not mine anymore.

I've found out that despite what he says, he may as well be with Revelyn. I can't say that I'm surprised. He tells me, although begrudgingly, that he still loves me. And although he hasn't said it in so many words, that he misses me and that maybe he still thinks of me as his soulmate. And, perhaps like a fool, I believe him only because he's always told me he'd never lie to me. And because, of course, I want so much to believe that that's the way it is.

But, you know, when Revelyn became involved in our lives, he lied several times about his being with her. He snuck out twice, leaving me in the middle of the night, to be with her. The only reason I was sleeping on both nights was because he had spent the entire day with her and told me he was too tired to be up and spend time with me, so, thinking that it was the only way to spend time with HIM, I layed down next to him to sleep.

One night, I rushed home after work to be with him, only to find her here. Which, I suppose, were she just a friend, would have been fine. She told me that night that she had no intention of taking him away from me. As she told me those words, she looked away, and I thought to myself "If that's so... then why are you feeling guilty?" I said nothing.

You know, Yoshi has told many many people that I cheated on him. Maybe that makes what he's doing to me not as bad as if I hadn't. Perhaps I should tell the truth on this matter: When Yoshi and I first got together, I had left someone to be with him. That someone, Josh, well, I'd been with him for about 3 years. I actually broke up with him a few times, only to get back together with him. But anyway, Yoshi, feeling guilty and maybe a lot of pressure from the fact that I told him I'd left Josh for him, pulled away fairly quickly. He told me he wanted to go "find his way" before being with me. I told him, at that time, that if he left me, he'd never have another chance.

Anyway, in the midst of all this crap, I returned home to Hawaii from college for the winter break and went to visit my, at the time, best friend, Jared. Jared was my first love... although, the more I analyze, the more I realize that I've never loved anyone more than I love Yoshi now. Somewhat out of vulnerability, one thing led to another, and we had sex. It lasted all of 5 minutes, he never got to "finish" and I thought to myself the entire time "What in the HELL am I doing??!"

I was honest with Yoshi. And he didn't leave me. He told me he loved me.

Jared, later, was an absolute dick and one day told Yoshi that he was "sorry for having slept with Moch." What does that really mean in guy-talk? "Hey Yoshi, I fucked your chick before you did?" Jared claimed he didn't know that I was with Yoshi or Josh or anyone at the time. Lies. He knew. I told him. And it didn't matter.

So, this thing... my 5 minutes of stupidity... something I've learned to regret for the rest of my life...Yoshi never completely forgave me and most definitely didn't forget.

My heart has never strayed since that day.

That was nearly 4 years ago and I have dedicated every second I possibly could to Yoshi. I've lost countless friends for him. Made endless sacrifices. Only to be thrown away as if it didn't matter for some girl that he barely knows.

Is my love, my life worth so little?

Why isn't my love good enough for him? Enough for him? He told me he wanted to leave so that he could make something of himself... so that he could give me everything I ever wanted.

All I want is him.

All I love is him.

I've lost all of my hopes and dreams in this life. My last one was being with him. And he took that away.

Now all I am is a burden. Something that won't go away.

And I can't make how I feel go away. I pray everyday (yes, I've taken to praying again) for him to return to me for good.

I'm willing to wait a realllllly long time for that day.

I wonder if I'll end up like my grandmother, who even after her first love (my grandfather) left her decades ago, still loves only him. She's alone and he's remarried. She's lonely and he's not. But no one can say she doesn't love him more than anything.

Will I be like that?

Goddess, I'm so pathetic. What's wrong with me that my love isn't good enough to make him happy? Why?

Why...

So now, Yoshi is moving on, or maybe not. I don't know. He's invited me to watch this acrobatic show called "CHI" since that's who I am. But when I asked to confirm, he's hesitating. Maybe he thinks it was a mistake to do that. Who knows? Just him, I guess. I asked him straight out if he's with her, and he didn't answer answer. He just said that spending time with her isn't an obligation the way it is with me.

Obligation.

I told him it was because the relationship is still new.

He told me he still cared. I said that there's a difference between caring and loving. He said he still loved me.

He takes her over to his house all the time, he spends nights with her. Adele and them have welcomed her into their home. "She's nice," they say. But to them, I'm still family, even though I'm not allowed to see them anymore.

I'm glad I work so much, because if I were home often enough like this, I'd kill myself. IT hurts so bad.

Yoshi really died inside when Reyna, his first love, left him. He gave up all his plans for the future when she left him. He's my Reyna, but if I completely gave up, he'd punish me for it by never coming back. He wants me to learn to live without him before I can live with him again, so I push on.

And accomplish nothing.

Wow, I really have nothing.

I am nothing.

/confession

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

ABC's a la Keoni

A-Z about ME

A- Age of first kiss: 14

B- Band you are listening to right now: Staind - Everything Changes

C- 1st Crush: Crush? Uhm, Justin Haruki?

D- Dad's name: Keith

E- Easiest person to talk to: I don't have an answer for this one anymore.

F- Favorite Ice Cream: Vanilla or Green Tea

G- Gummy worms or gummy bears? The "white" Gummi Bear. I think it's supposed to be pineapple flavor.

H- Hometown : Honolulu

I- Instruments: Piano, Percussion, and I want to learn Guitar.

J- Junior high: RL Stevenson Intermediate. I was a bucaneer.

K- Kids: None at the moment. And none planned.

L- Longest car ride ever: Boston to New York City.

M- Mom's name: Banyen

N- Nicknames: Many many. But most recently, Monchan, Chibi, Chi, and Mochi.

P- Phobia[s]: Silence. Failure. Loss. Large Flying Roaches.

Q- Quote: Of the moment? "This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is." - Alanis Morisette

R- Reason to smile: Friends. My kitten, Kira, chasing her own tail.

S- Song you sang last: "Always" by Atlantic Starr. Duet. Male part sung by Keoni.

T- Time you woke up today: 7:12

U- Unknown fact about me: I don't mean to come across as condescending. I just talk that way.

V- Virgin: Nope.

W- Worst habit: Procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good 'til you realize you're fucking yourself.

X- X-rays: Ankles to find out that I STILL have hairline fractures that can't be fixed. Back to find out, too late, that I have scoliosis.

Y- Your favorite person as of right now: Maybe my coworker, Lynelle.

Z-Zodiac sign: Pisces

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Survey a la Rae of Sunshine.

Stole this from Rae's page.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:Monchalee
Birthday:February 28, 1982
Birthplace:Honolulu, Hawaii: A now closed Kaiser Hospital
Current Location:Honolulu, Hawaii: Lusitana Street
Eye Color:Brown
Hair Color:Black/Brown?
Height:5'4"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right Handed
Your Heritage:Thai, Japanese, Okinawan, Swiss, Arab
The Shoes You Wore Today:I just woke up, so I'm barefoot
Your Weakness:Yoshi
Your Fears:Silence, Losing what is important to me, Failure, and Large Flying Cockroaches
Your Perfect Pizza:I like pepperoni/italian sausage... but pineapple is good, too.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Get promoted. Lose 10 lbs. Learn to let go.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:Kira (my kitty) stop nipping my toes...
Your Best Physical Feature:Eyes
Your Bedtime:Lately, around midnight.
Your Most Missed Memory:Yoshi
Pepsi or Coke:Cherry Coke
McDonalds or Burger King:McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:Depends how well I know the person...
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:Cappucino
Do you Smoke:Not in a long time.
Do you Swear:Yes.
Do you Sing:Sometimes.
Do you Shower Daily:Yes.
Have you Been in Love:Yes.
Do you want to go to College:I already did. Although grad school? Maybe.
Do you want to get Married:At first, yes. Now, I don't know.
Do you belive in yourself:Not always.
Do you get Motion Sickness:Only in cars.
Do you think you are Attractive:Not especially.
Are you a Health Freak:No.
Do you get along with your Parents:.... generally?
Do you like Thunderstorms:Yes.
Do you play an Instrument:Yes, several.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:Yes.
In the past month have you Smoked:No.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:Birth control pills count?
In the past month have you gone on a Date:"Date?" No.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Yes, many many many times.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:No, but I've been craving them.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:Yes.
In the past month have you been on Stage:No.
In the past month have you been Dumped:It was just a little over a month ago....
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:No.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:No.
Ever been Drunk:No.
Ever been called a Tease:No.
Ever been Beaten up:Yes.
Ever Shoplifted:Yes.
How do you want to Die:Not alone.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Some kind of business owner, I suppose.
What country would you most like to Visit:Tibet?
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Brown.
Favourite Hair Color:Black?
Short or Long Hair:Longer.
Height:In a boy, taller than me. In a girl, it doesn't matter.
Weight:Whatever.
Best Clothing Style:Comfy?
Number of Drugs I have taken:Enough.
Number of CDs I own:Many.
Number of Piercings:Currently, 5: 2 in each ear, 1 in belly. I've had more.
Number of Tattoos:Currently, one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:One major thing, and lots of minor things.

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Anonymous

"You people always hold onto old identities, old faces and masks, long after they've served their purpose.But you've got to learn to throw things away eventually. "

The above is a comment left by Anonymous in response to my previous post.

I just felt that Anonymous deserved a response.

You people... I don't know what you mean by "you people." People who love and lose? People who are trying to recover from that loss? People who have not yet the ability to release things that were once important to them, immediately to the wind?

You're right... I am one of those people. I am someone who is affected by the past, because the past molds me. It molds me, changes me, makes me think and rethink, makes me who I am. But it doesn't own me. In this case, it consumes me to a point... but not entirely.

*shrugs*

I don't know. I do agree that people need to learn to let go. Myself, included. If you read back, I admit that it is something that I'll probably need to learn to do. Unfortunately, I am not yet so enlightened that I have no attachments to anything transient.

Hence, title: UNENLIGHTENED and subtitle: The Tale of One Searching for Their Own Path (more or less).

以上です。

Oh... and just for kicks. Here's a picture of Kira.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Hiatus

Because of my ever loyal friends and fans, I've decided to write again. I got an email the other day from Yoshikazu, an old student of mine, saying that he's been wondering how I am since I haven't posted in a long time, haven't emailed or mailed anyone, hell, I've half dropped off the face of the earth.

I am on hiatus-- with myself. It's been more than a month since Yoshi's left me. I'm still not over it. I still wear the ring he gave me... but instead of wearing it on my finger, I wear it around my neck. I'm waiting. How naive is that of me? I'm waiting.

Of course, in my deepest heart, I suspect that it may be in vain. But more than anything, despite everything, I still want to be with him. I love him that deeply. And dammit, if it hadn't been because of stupid mistakes that I've made in the past... let me rephrase, because of A stupid mistake, I'm near certain that he would have continued to love me just as deeply as he had started.

At first, I did a lot of crying on the floor. Sobbing until I was dehydrated, my throat hoarse, my box of kleenex nearly depleted. Occasionally, that still happens, but I'm mostly over that. Kira, my new kitty, helps.

A good friend of mine, Sewell, has also been doing his best to keep my mind off of things. He's been taking me out all over the place, treating me to food at restaurants to which I've never been. I feel bad that so much money is being spent on me. More than all the eating, what he's been doing is spending time with me. He's taken me to watch the sunset. He's taken me to sit on the beach at night at do absolutely nothing. He's doing all these things that I had begged, and asked, and dreamed that Yoshi would do. Things that Yoshi did with other people. Things that Yoshi didn't do with me.

I think I'm just complaining. Venting my frustrations because I think everyone is sick of actually listening to me vent. Like, geez, Monchalee, how long is it going to take you to stop pitying yourself?! I can't help it!!!

Le sigh.

Anyway, I was telling some of my friends that Sewell was splurging on me. They are of the mind that he has ulterior motives-- although, he claims it's not so. Frankly, I'm not interested in anything with anyone. My brother-in-law says I should just have meaningless sex to get it out of my system. Rebel or something. I don't want that. I just want to find peace within myself. Find a way to be comfortable being alone.

Being alone.

Alone.

Sigh. That's me.