Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Lost

So it's been another aeon since my last post. I know originally, I said I'd post more often. I meant to. But I always hesitate about what I should or shouldn't post. What I can and can't write about.

I hesitate because once things are written, it seems they become so. And the world knows about it. At the same time, I use this blog as a form of release. Sigh.

Anyway, again with the darkness: I'm lost and broken and ... more than anything... ALONE. Those of you who know me well know what this means, as I refuse to put into writing the unthinkable. Yoshi's back at his family's house. He's bought all this new stuff, goes out nearly every night, wears a necklace from that girl who he plays tennis with... and I stay home. I don't go anywhere. Not even to work out. I stay home and cry and break and scream and be listless and do absolutely nothing except for think to myself, "why?"

Why doesn't he want me to wait? Why did this happen? Why, why, why?

And maybe I ask some whens, as well.

But anyway, as part of my trying to recover, I have a new roommate. She's cute. Her name is Kira. And she's just a little over 2 months old. She purrs a lot and causes all kinds of havoc. Her newest deal is to jump up onto the bicycle in the living room, then up onto the kitchen counter. I guess it's because I stand there a lot and stuff my face in hopes that it'll drown out the tears.

I swear, one day I'll day of dehydration via tears.

I need to find some kind of course of action to take my mind off of stuff. I've been playing with Kira and watching all the DVDs my dad let me borrow. I've watched 3 of 7 or so. Been watching more TV. Trying to eat less, but it doesn't work. Getting fat. I guess it doesn't matter... he doesn't want me anyway. There's no reason to try and look good.

Geez, if one of my friends were talking the way I am, I'd probably tell her to quit it. I wouldn't ask her to get over him... I would just say that focusing on it isn't the best course of action. I can't help but focus on it.

How can I not focus on half of my life disappearing... and my not being able to stop it?

Anyway, I have to go get ready for work. Yoshi will be here any moment. We still share the car since it's under both our names. We'll have to change that eventually. He's pushing me to deal with it right away, but I can't afford to. I can barely afford to eat.

Sigh. Bye, all. Until my next post.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your life is your own... Your Death, likewise... Always, and forever, your own... You are mortal: It is the mortal way... You attend the funeral... You bid the dead farewell... You grieve... Then you continue with your life... And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest; and you will weep... But this will happen less and less as time goes on... She is dead... You are alive... So live...

Isabo said...

*hugs* Love you

Lyndsey said...

Oh hun. I'm so sorry. I can't believe Yoshi thought that your relationship wasn't strong enough to last. :(

I know how you feel. Or at least I have an inkling. I had a boyfriend during my summer program liked him A LOT. Best match so far. Ended up breaking up though because I was going to stay in China for the semester and he was going back to Yale. Yale and MHC are definitely not too far away from each other, but he didn't want to wait four freakin months. So yes. Have been v. v. sad for the past few weeks now. Wretched even. Depressed. Rejected. And other dark thoughts.

We're better off without them. If they don't worship and adore you they're not worth keeping.... but the thought doesn't stop the pain sometimes.