Sunday, June 12, 2005

Lack Luster and Bad Dreams

Hey all. Long time, yet again, since I've posted. Apologies. I've not been doing so hot the last few weeks. And unfortunately, I think I'm on the verge of a mini emotional breakdown.

Ever since the attempted break-in at my place, I've been having trouble sleeping. Let's say that due to outside sources, I'm under the impression that the person will soon try again and will do so when Yoshi isn't here and I'm home alone. Being that Yoshi works overnight almost every night of the week, it's not like the perpetrator is short on opportunity. Because of this imminent threat, I've had a horrendous time trying to sleep lately. I've set up a bell on my front door, I lock all the windows at night, and I sleep with a sharpened wakizashi in my bed with me, along with my cell phone. If I fall asleep at all, the sleep is disturbed by sounds in the night that wake me up with a start and keep me awake until morning.

One of the sounds that has started recently is a rat, which I guess has made a home in our kitchen somewhere, eating through bags of saimin. To me, it sounds like my blinds hitting against the wall... and I wake up with sword in hand.

During the times that I manage to sleep, I've been disturbed by a myriad of bad dreams. Nightmares. I hate them and recently, they're all I have. Screaming children. Death. Blood. Infidelity. Broken hearts. Pain. Suffering. A lot of suffering. Crying. Tears. Violence. Abandonment. Drowning. .. I guess I have problems.

It doesn't help that Yoshi's current schedule keeps us to a mere 2 hours a day of contact... if you can call that contact. And dammit, we live together. I'm envious of his coworkers who see more of him a day than I see all week. And who spend more down time, fun time, alone time with him, than I could even hope for. Who see him smiling and laughing... and not exhausted and too bleh to smile back. But... anyway...

...if you want to know more about my problems, read my newest addition to my expression section. Lack Luster. Apparently, synonymous for me.