Dear Japan,

Dear Japan,

You and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the food, I love the sights, and there is something about you that keeps bringing me back despite all the various hates I have for you. But let me tell you, that hate list is long and it's a wonder, sometimes, that I want to continue to be here when the list of things I like is so short compared to the list of things that frustrate me, anger me, sadden me...

I am currently trying to leave you because of various things that are going on in the life I left behind in my home country. You really haven't done much to encourage me to stay. I am constantly reminded of how, really, I am not welcome here. And honestly, I often find that I ask myself, "Why do I stay? Am I nuts? Do I enjoy the heartache and punishment?" But I also realize that there must be some kind of magic here that makes me love you so much. There must be something to being here, sharing this experience with the people that I love, that somehow speaks to my mind or my soul or... my insanity. I'm leaning toward the last one. 

But I am leaving on December 25 -- and I have no plans, at least for now, to return any time soon. And gawddamn, Japan, are you making things difficult! You don't want me to be here, but you won't let me leave.

Let me go through the things that I must do in order to leave you.

• Buy a ticket
• Break my work contract 
• Break my lease
• Cancel my cellphones
• Cancel my Internet
• Cancel my water
• Cancel my gas
• Cancel my electricity
• Find a home for Turtellini
• Find a home for Bento
• Get rid of my furniture, bikes, clothes, whatever.
• Repair the damage to the apartment
• Send my packages home
• Pack my suitcases
• Clean the apartment
• Uh... And the list is longer, but I don't even know what else there is because my mind is so screwy.

I am grateful for what support I have received so far from various people for helping me out (Pam, Amy, Rafe, Jacob, Koohei and then some!), but I am very much breaking from the pressure of finishing everything with such a short timeline. I have less than 2 weeks to get my stuff together and get out of here. Granted, someone pointed out to me that even if I just up and left everything, while I would probably be fined like crazy, at least I'd be home with friends and family and loved ones (who don't fall under friends and family). 

For all the people who say that you have fantastic customer service, I would like to argue that they are either Japanese nationals who don't know any better or only visitors to this country. I don't care how honorific your language is, if you are uncompromising, cold, and unwilling to help or even try to find another way to accomplish things, that is not "good customer service". For everyone who claims that you are efficient, I would say they have never tried to cancel or change any contract or service.

Case in point: Just for me to cancel my Internet and make the final payment, I have called 5 telephone numbers, 2 companies, spent... I don't know how long on the phone, at this point, and still have accomplished next to nothing. All I have managed is to run up my cell phone bill and getting you to say that you will turn the Internet off on December 16, because for some reason, you cannot do it now. You don't know how to charge me since I am leaving the country. You, being you, half the time can't accept foreign credit cards, despite them being internationally recognized providers like Visa and Master Card. You can't send the bill to me in advance. You can't send the bill to me abroad. You can't even tell me how much I owe you, since it's not the right time for you to know that. 

I am going crazy trying to do the right thing. I want don't want to perpetuate the stereotype of the foreigners who skip town without taking responsibility and tying up the loose ends. But you know, Japan, you are pushing me to the point where perhaps I understand why these "bad foreigners" did so. Perhaps they all tried, like me, in good faith, to do what was right... to pay their bills and cancel things properly and pay their taxes and clean their places and throw away the trash per the Gomi-Matrix... and were met with so much bull**** and resistance and lack of help that they broke, they said f*** it and they went away.

Japan, I want to have a positive memory of you. Please stop now, so we can salvage our relationship. It's been 9 years since I came here the very first time, and years before that where I was enamored with your thought, but the scales are tipping from love/hate to just hate... and I would hate for us to have to give up all we've had.

Please, for us.

/chi.

Awakening

There was a time that I used to love to write. Whether it be poetry or prose, of import or of nonsense, writing was my way to express every emotion I experienced. In recent years, I find that I write for my own eyes -- afraid to share my thoughts for fear of hurting others or myself. I over-edit my writing, assuming that I can even bring the words through me onto paper or digital representation. 


Pain, anger, sadness... these are now the things that fuel a lot of what I write. But I don't want this to be how it always is. I would like to be able to harness the other emotions, as I once did before, to share with you who care to read my writing.


This morning, I had a long talk with my mother, through crappy "borrowed" Internet. The talk made me reflect on all the lives lost on March 11, here in Japan, when we were shaken to our very core by a huge earthquake unlike the modern world has ever seen. The earthquake heralded in a tsunami that stole the lives and livelihood from so many people -- and I, in Saitama, so far removed from the pain and fear and suffering of everyone there, could only watch on my 1-seg television on my cell phone, as everything up north was washed away.


I have thought about the lost lives off and on, of course, since March -- it has been 8, almost 9 months now, and today is the first time I felt like writing about the lost lives. I wrote a few months ago about my own experience of the earthquake, but that didn't at all address the true losses to this world.


I don't know what made me write what I did below, but this is for those who were directly affected by the tsunami on March 11. #PrayforJapan


Awakening


I wake up this morning, and roll over, wanting to enjoy the warmth from my blankets and from the body of the man I love, lying beside me. I pull close to my beloved and see the stillness of his breath. He is resting so peacefully, it seems as if he will be asleep forever. And so, as not to disturb him, I sit up quietly and let my eyes adjust to the day's brilliance. I gaze up at the sky and wonder why I can see it so clearly. Surely, there has never been such a sky as this, like water color come to life --  delicate and bright and beautiful. I look around me, out at the watery silence, at the skeletons of buildings and the chaos the previous day had brought. 

I find myself thinking about my life before I woke up today and I realize that perhaps this is a very poignant thought. "Am I dead?", I wonder, as I turn again toward the body of my one and only and immediately, I know the answer to my question. This morning, I did not wake up from the comfort of my dreams. Instead, I was never asleep -- I had experienced the living nightmare of Mother Nature sweeping away everything I knew. This morning, wrapped in sheets of water and debris, only my mind is awake as not only my beloved's body, but also my own, continue to rest under the ceiling of water, sunlight deflecting and rippling and sending out rays to cut through the darkness. 

As much as I try to roll over and go back to sleep, hoping that this is naught but a nightmare from which I can awaken, I know that when I open my eyes again, nothing will have changed. I know the truth. I am dead. And I will continue to sleep here, next to my love, forever. 

/chi.

Thanks.

This year, I spent Thanksgiving with an international group of friends. 11 people, hailing from Japan, Sweden, England and the US came together for an expensive little turkey, delicious stuffing, and  great company to celebrate the American tradition. It was lucky that Japan had a national holiday in the middle of the week that we could use to celebrate -- it wasn't Thanksgiving, but we were all thankful for the reprieve from school and work and to be eating some delicious food with good people.

While dessert was being passed around, we went around the room and said what we were thankful for. As I was in the middle of frying the apple won ton desserts, I didn't put much thought into what I said (frying and addressing a room of people at the same time is hard, you know!) and I thought I would put into writing the things for which I want to give thanks.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor do I list names or details -- but it's a start.

I am grateful for the life that I have, despite all the downs, it has an amazing amount of ups that makes being on this world amazing. 

I am thankful for my family -- not just the ones that are related to me by blood, but also the friends that I choose to keep closest to me. They put up with my mood swings and irrationality and while not always agreeing with my decisions, are there to wipe away tears, pick up my broken pieces and try to haphazardly super glue me back together. They are there to rejoice in my successes and share in the laughs and often, laugh at me instead of with me... but I guess that is what makes them endearing.

Even beyond my core group of besties who live all over the world, I am lucky to have friends and acquaintances, both online and IRL, who might not be there for everything, but still find a way to keep me moving forward. Without all of you, I am certain that I would be a much lonelier, much more misguided person. 

And I think more than anything, I am blessed for having so much love in my life. There are so many kinds of love, but regardless, I would say that many people spend their whole life wanting to be loved and to be able to love. And right now, at this moment, I can say with certainty that I am loved and that I do love. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 

/chi.

Nice to See You Again.

There are times when I pride myself on my ability to speak, to express, to capture a moment or an emotion or life in words.

And other times, I wish I could cut out my tongue to punish myself for my word choices that cause eruptions of flames and torrential rains and leaves me in a post-apocalyptic, self-admonishing hell.

In recent years, I find that I have become much more self-censored. What I would have said with little sugar or tact in the past, I coat in gallons of honey or simply don't say it at all. I have grown a type of filter that seems only to work when I least need it and when I need it most, manages to malfunction.

If only this filter had come with a control panel that would allow me to choose which situations or with whom it should shut me up. If only I had the self-control to hold my tongue before explaining or expressing something that I know will only result in devastation.

But instead, I find myself standing at a precipice, looking at the fall, and deciding it's worth jumping -- if it means that there is a chance someone can understand why I jumped.

So I jump, and I fall, and by the time I see the gathering clouds of smoke in the distance, giving evidence of the eruptions to come, it is too late.

Post-apocalyptic, self-admonishing hell, nice to see you again.

/chi.

Home: What is it?

What does it mean to be "home"?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately for a variety of reasons and haven't found an answer, yet. I thought I could put my stream-of-consciousness out there and get some opinions on the matter from all of you.

I have lived the majority of my life in Hawaii, in various places with various people. The other not-majority of my life, I have spent in Massachusetts and Japan. In each of these places, I have experienced wonders and met adversity and had my life touched by both beautiful and ugly people. All of these places carry fond memories for me, but also can evoke within me the deepest, most painful emotions one can feel. Each time I head to any of these places (although it's been years since I was in Massachusetts), I get giddy and excited to be back. Yet, I also find that the longer that I stay in these places, the more restless I become. I find reasons to leave and then wonder if leaving was, indeed, the right choice.

If any of these places were my "home", would I keep wanting to walk away from them? Is it not that I am displeased with the place itself, but rather, that I am unsatisfied with myself or my life in that place? Or is it that I simply haven't found, yet, where I need to be? That I need to travel more and seek out where it is that I can finally settle, drop anchor, make myself truly at home? Are there people out there who never find this personal utopia? 

And in another train of thought, is "home" not a physical place at all? Is it a state-of-mind or sense of contentment? Or is it simply an understanding of or proximity to "things of importance"? Love, good friends, family, food, faith (for some)... 

It seems that sitting alone with my thoughts hasn't led in any real direction, unless "around in a circle" is considered a direction. 

I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on what "home" means or doesn't mean to you. Please, tell me. 

Home: What is it?

/me.

Used and Abused - JLPT

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I will be taking the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) soon to prove my worth to Japanese companies. I have been studying pretty hard (for me) and was excited when I received in the mail an invitation to participate in the official JLPT Practice Test. Not only would I have the opportunity to:

1. Practice timing and test technique in a real-life situation
2. Get a good gauge for the difficulty or easiness of the test questions

I would also receive a whopping 2,000 yen for my trouble! -- if I would also be so kind as to take a survey or write an essay at the end of the practice test. It seemed too good to be true...

The Practice Test was held on Sunday, June 19 and after completing the experience, I realized it had made me feel used, abused... and worthless. How the hell, you ask? Let me explain.

The invitation to the Practice Test explained that I would helping Japan Educational Exchanges and Services refine the test and adjust it as necessary before the big day. Thinking that it could be no more painful than the test I had originally taken in December, I felt it could only benefit me to participate. How hard could it be to take a practice test and fill out a survey?

Unfortunately, I underestimated how difficult and brutal the experience would be. The practice exam was held at a university that is currently observing the nation-wide practice of 節電 or energy-saving, in an attempt to prevent national black and brown outs due to the crippled nuclear power plant in  Fukushima. While I fully support and admire the Japanese energy conservation efforts, it is my very strong opinion, that if energy-saving means that the air-conditioning must be turned off with the windows closed while hundreds of foreigners struggle with a 4-hour exam, 節電 can kiss my sweaty butt.

The conditions were torturous, at best.

And to make matters worse, the practice test was at least doubley as difficult as the actual exam I took in December. The first two hours of the exam, I was confident I had the correct answers for an overwhelming 5 questions. The second half, where I had originally been confident in 70% of my answers, I thought there was a chance I may have had 20% of the answers correct this time around.

And then, after I felt as though the JEES had had its way with me, mentally... the sheer impossibility of that test (to me) made me feel as though all the studying I had done had been in vain and that I, in fact, had been delusional this whole time about having any kind of Japanese language skills... they had me fill out a survey about my Japanese communication level.

They made me feel like nothing and then asked me if I liked it and if I thought I was any good. Then they gave me 2,000 yen for my humiliation and walked away laughing, knowing that in a few weeks, after they had adjusted the actual exam based on our collective results, that they would be laughing again when I come crawling back for another dose of torture.

I had willingly given myself to the JEES for the promise of a "good practice experience" and some change in my pocket. However, after I thought more carefully about how my talents, if I had any to begin with, were going to be used -- to adjust the exam and possibly make it more difficult -- I couldn't believe I had chosen to participate.

Having had a week to reflect on the experience, I realized that in the after-math, any confidence I had gained in my studies has now been diminished to non-existence. I feel beaten and bruised and find myself fearing July 3rd more and more. Every time my study partner mentions the number of days left until the exam, I find myself flinching like an abuse victim who fears another slap across the face.

I had been telling myself this whole time that this time, I got this. I will pass the JLPT and prove to myself (and the world?) that I have the skills needed to be considered capable of "Business Japanese." But after that beating... all I can think is, what am I doing?! Why am I going back? Do I really want to endure another experience like that and then, a few months from now, have it punctuated by another letter in the mail saying I did not pass?

Not really.

But I'm going to... in 6 days and counting. Shit.

/me.

Random Truths of the Moment

Back in the heyday of MySpace, people were constantly filling out About Me surveys. Most of the time, you didn't care what the person actually answered (or even what you answered, yourself), but it was a great time-killer and aided procrastinators the world over.

I feel like I don't see these things that often anymore, but I found one that I liked on a friend's tumblr and thought I'd steal it and post it.

This one is called Random Truths of the Moment. And it's just that. Whatever is true right now. And even better, all I had to do was bold what was true. No needing to think of clever or unexpected answers. Just bold.

 

Random Truths of the Moment.

Bold What’s True:

It’s night right now.     

There’s something else you should be doing at the moment.     

You ate chicken today.

You are lactose intolerant.

There’s a nearby TV on.

You get along with your neighbors.

Twilight is a horrible series.

You’re hungry right now.

You have worked out today.   

Running a mile sounds awful. (I’d love to be able to run a mile right now..)You have a job.

You love to bake Christmas cookies.   

Your parents are still together.

You woke up before 11 this morning.

Baths are better than showers. 

You are 5’5” or shorter.

You hate British accents.

Victoria’s Secret is a good store.

Cats are better than dogs.

The 90’s sucked.   

Your favorite color is either blue or purple.

Your hair is short.

You are by yourself right now.

The last thing you drank was water.

You’re in your PJ’s right now.

Your hair color is natural. (some of it is)

Fred from Youtube is annoying.

You don’t drink soda. (I rarely drink soda)

There’s at least 20$ in your wallet.

It’s cold out.

Orange juice is better than apple juice.

You love someone right now.

Video games are awesome.

Your sheets are white.

You have read works by Shakespeare before.

You’ve been professionally diagnosed with a psychological disorder.   

You know someone in the hospital right now.

You know someone who has beaten cancer.

Sneakers are your favorite shoes to wear.

Chocolate is better than vanilla.

You’re allergic to peanuts. 

You’ve never been to New York City.

You’ve never been on a varsity sports team.

You want to go to Europe. (back to Europe)You’re using a laptop right now.

Plastic surgery is a good idea. (in some cases)

Vanilla is the best scent a girl can wear.

You’ve made yourself throw up.

Your friends do drugs.

School is too early. 

Your nails have nail polish on them right now. 

You’re Italian.   

You have a tan right now.

You’ve been on a diet before.

You shop in plus sized clothing stores.  (I do sometimes in Japan)

Hot Topic is scary.

There are socks on your feet right now.

I’ve used a hair straightener.

Shopping online is easier than shopping in an actual store.

You’re in Verizon’s network.

Cheesecake is delicious.

Your BMI falls into the overweight category.

You have gotten your hair cut in the past month. 

Your birthday is within the next 2 months.

Comedies are better than action films.

Math is the best subject.   

You are fluent in more than one language.

You love Greek food. 

You consider yourself a picky eater.

You have more than 3 pillows on your bed.

You live with at least one parent.

You’re happy right now. (but not satisfied)You are a high school graduate.

You have a pet cat.

You were born before April 5th, 1991.

You have brown hair. (maybe? or black? not sure.)

You have blue eyes.

You are in a relationship. 

You can count to 20 in another language.

You have studied a foreign language.

You voted in the 2008 presidential election.

You own a vehicle that is older than a 2004.

You have worked 3rd shift.

You have worked in a fast food restaurant. (Does TCBY count as fast food?)

You drove somewhere that was further than a half hour away today.

You live in New Jersey.

You live in Montana

You live in Pennsylvania.

Your last name begins with an ‘M’.

Your middle name begins with a ‘C’.

Your first name begins with an ‘S’.

You are older than 19.

You are an only child.

Your parents are divorced.

You have more than one sibling.

You are a vegetarian.

You have a gym membership.

You are in the military.

You have a relative in the military.

You have been to Canada.

You have been to Mexico.

You have been to Europe.

You are currently enrolled in college/university. (Just on Saturdays for their Continuing Education Program)

You have done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.

You have/had braces. 

You wear contact lenses.

You have a tattoo on your ankle.

You have a tattoo on your wrist.

You have a tattoo on your lower back.

You have a tattoo on your upper arm.   

You have a lip piercing.

You have a tongue piercing.

You have your cartilage pierced.

You have curly hair. You have received flowers from someone in the last 2 months.   

You are engaged.   

You are married. 

You have children.  

You are an aunt or uncle. (to dogs)

Your bedroom walls are blue.

Your bedspread is red.

Your bedroom carpet is beige.

You have been drunk in the past 24 hours.  

You watch Scrubs.

You watch Jon & Kate Plus 8.

You watch American Idol.

You have been to the movies within the last month.

You have cursed in front of your grandparents.

You had a lunch box with a cartoon character on it when you were little.

You actually pay attention to politics.

You have kissed someone within the last week.

You were told you looked cute today.

You were hugged today.

Your best friend is the opposite sex. (some of them?)You have paid more than $100 on one item of clothing.

You had a date to prom.

You are a good speller.

You are always on time.

You have done something illegal within the last 24 hours.

You have ridden an elevator within the last 3 days.

You have spent the night at someone else’s house within the last 2 weeks.

You have been out of the country within the last year.   

You love Chinese food.  

You love Italian food. 

You love Mexican food.

You love country music.

You love rap.

You love hip hop.

You love punk rock.

You love hard rock.

You love metal.

You love classic rock.

You love bluegrass.  

You love oldies.

You love techno.

You love instrumental music.

You knew someone younger than 10 who passed away.

You have taken pictures of yourself just because you were bored.

You have been in a car wreck.   

You have had stitches.

You have a parent who is a teacher.  

You have a savings account.

You currently have a $2 bill in your possession.

You have dated someone who was 2 years younger than you. (went ON a date)

You have dated someone who was 2 years older than you.

You have broken up with someone for someone else.

You have been cheated on.

You are Mormon.

You are Buddhist. 

You are Agnostic.

You wish at 11:11. (sometimes)

You have had your current job for more than 3 months.

You have had your heart broken.

You broke someone else’s heart.

You felt bad about it.

You have an Aunt Karen. 

You have an Uncle Bill.

You have a cousin Sarah.

You have a cousin Adam.   

You have worked with a Danielle. 

You have ridden in a car with a Stephen.

You have hugged a Tiffany. 

You have kissed a Blake. (on the cheek, maybe)

You have had class with a David.

You have had a crush on an Emily.

You have dated a Derek.  

You have been neighbors with a Hannah.

You have done something just for the fact that you were old enough to.

You have been to a cemetery at midnight.  

You have been a vampire for Halloween.   

You have been a witch for Halloween.

You have been a pumpkin for Halloween. 

You have stayed up for 48 hours straight.

You have been to Walmart in the past 3 days.

You own a pair of scrubs.   

You own a cowboy hat.  

You own a leather coat.

You are missing someone right now.

You have been let down recently.

You have had someone you thought you could trust betray you.

You would rather have a one-night stand than a relationship.

You would rather win $500 from the lottery, than be a guest on a game show.

You have met someone famous.

Nothing deep, but it was fun.

This has been random truths of the moment.

/me.